I don't know about you, but watching the Olympics makes me feel really bad about how little I've accomplished with my life. I sit there on the couch, eating chips from a pile on my chest, watching these people who have worked out and trained and practiced for a majority of their lives for these Olympic events, and what have I done? Nothing, short of gaining a bunch of weight and developing a guilt complex.
I tried my hand in a couple of different sports as a kid, but I was never really cut out for it. I played flag football for a couple seasons, and I was pretty good at it, too... but when you're a stocky overweight kid playing defense, how hard can it really be? I was not so great at baseball despite my best efforts, but I still played on a team for a season. That came as a major surprise to me, considering the first fly ball that was hit to me during try-outs went right between my glove and my other hand and hit me square in the nose.
After that, I sort of came to the conclusion that I was more suited to be a spectator.
Every time the Olympics are on, there always seems to be some new weird sport or competition that I've never seen before. Sports that make me think, There are people who actually train for this? And there are sponsors for these athletes? It's times like those where I think that I should develop my own special breed of Olympic games, where I can showcase my unique set of skills in the following competitions:
- Accidental Self-Inflicted Injury Triathlon,
- Long Distance Flatulence,
- Competitive Refrigerator-Raiding,
- Extreme Urine Containment Endurance,
- Spousal Embarrassment competitions,
- Competitive Snoring/Blanket Stealing,
- Vomit Avoidance Biathlon, and
- Single's Wall-Hugging Ice Skating
It probably wouldn't be all that much fun to watch, but I think it'd be a blast to be a part of. Especially competitive fridge raiding. How much fun is that? It must be a guy thing, but I get this weird, perverse pleasure out of secretly eating leftovers The Boss has staked claim to just because she hasn't gotten there in time. Spousal embarrassment competitions would be fun, too, but The Boss would most definitely win the Gold medal over me. She has way too many embarrassing things to tell about me, as clearly this blog is evidence of.
What would be your original Olympic sport?
Have a good weekend, everyone.