Monday, February 22, 2010

In Which I'm Not Sure What To Think

Something weird keeps happening in the bathroom at work.

No, I'm not getting propositioned by George Michaels while reliving myself at the urinals. And no, I didn't piss on myself again or bruise my shoulder (not to mention my ego) by breaking another toilet seat

Just about every single time I enter the Men's Room at work, the little automated air freshener tacked to the wall above the paper towel dispensers will go off. I hear a small motor whirring followed by a moist "Pfft" sound, and soon the air carries the sickly-sweet aroma of radioactive lemon zest. 

It's like this thing thinks I stink, and it's adding some lemon scent to the air to compensate.

My feelings are starting to get hurt by this malevolent piece of plastic. I mean, it's not like I'm waltzing into the handicap stall, grabbing hold of the handlebars on each side of the toilet for leverage, and unleashing a new colony of Intestinites. No. I'm just taking a leisurely piss before my break is over. I've tried doubling up on my deodorant, and actually using soap in the shower instead of just hot water, even applying a few spritzes of cologne, but still that fucking thing sprays that nasty smelling lemon scent into the air as soon as I walk in. 

I've wondered on more than a few occasions if this particular automatic air freshener has some secret high-tech component built in that senses the odor of the person walking into the bathroom, and if the person smells offensive, it'll activate. I know it's probably just a coincidence, but I'm starting to develop a complex about it.

I can't help but wonder... Do I offend?*

Happy Monday, folks.

P.S. Today is Day One of The Boss' vacation, and also Day One of Operation: Temporary Badass Bachelorhood. Tonight's objective: Watching internet porn... with the sound unmuted!


EDIT: It appears I forgot to include my thoughts about there being a motion sensor built into air freshener device. I have examined it as closely as I can and there seems to be no sensor, as far as I can tell. I've always thought that they run on timers anyways, but they also seem to possess some ulterior motives.

*100 Bonus Points and a virtual high five to the first person who can tell me what movie I referenced in that last sentence.


Vanessa said...

Maybe the air freshener has a MOTION censor? Maybe it does that to everyone who walks in, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Oh and the movie is Pretty In Pink, 1986. Duckie says that to Andie, if I remember. Sweet movie. Loved it.

Vanessa said...

Am I right? Do I get my points and high five now? I don't mind if you scratch the points, just that you'll have to compensate me with a high ten. Mua haha!

Dylan Murphy said...

Breaking the air freshner and then blaming it on someone else (assuming there are no cameras) would seem to solve all of your problems. Although I don't know if this act is worth getting fired potentially.

Melanie's Randomness said...

Ohh I have one of those things in my bathroom at work too. It might just be that you walk in whenever it comes to the 20 minutes it will go off or its VERYY motion sensitive. I think you two should brawl it out. Show him who's boss! hehe

Feral Female said...

At least the mystery is solved and your no longer worried about offending! Have fun tonight!

Amy said...

Pretty in Pink!!!! That Ducky was quite the cutie pie!

The first sentence of this post says it all! Classic it!!!

Aunt Juicebox said...

Maybe there is a tiny man living inside it, that sets it off any time someone comes into the bathroom.

Melissa said...

Umm, could it be that you have to pee pretty much at the same time every day? I mean I assume you get your coffee and water the same time pretty much every day, eat lunch and have your soda's around the same time. Wouldnt it be logical that you have to pee around the same time too?

That said, you made me giggle. I hate automatic toilets, because you cant see how you did!

Aunt Becky said...

It clearly recognizes that you smell.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Maybe there's a hidden camera in there and somebody is just f*%king with you.

Lizzy and Elle said...

btw we took stuff...

Jennifer Ramirez said...

Those things have timers. You can fix it yourself to where they go off every, (just in example) 8, 16, 32 and/or 60 minutes. My mom has one and it freaks me out every single time that it goes off, lol.

Elly Lou said...

Oh how I love Ducky. I could watch his impression of Otis Redding until the end of time. *swoon*

PS That's not a name it's a major appliance!

Moonspun said...

Hmmm....have you discussed with other co-workers if it happens to them?

Jennifer said...

I won't be winning the bonus, but this story amused me.

I hope you don't really gain a complex from the rude little device...
I had the same trouble with technology in the past.
A little robot that I had to work with in a technology class of mine in the 7th grade decided it did not like me. The minute my partner would switch it on, it would try to attack me.

I am not sure what I ever did to that little robot to make it so angry, but I flinch every time I come near that aisle in Walmart with the robotic pet toys...

Mrs Soup said...

It's probably on a timer, but the shorter option. There tends to be like 4 min, 15 and 30 or something. If you open the front, there should be a slider thingy. And if it's the guy's bathroom, I'm sure it's on the shortest.

Nej said...

Befriend an innocent bystander walking down the hall....and ask them go in first. Hmmm...ok, that might seem creepy to an innocent bystander. How about just spying on bathroom door, when you see someone go in, wait a minute or two, and then follow. Does is still spray??

...Gabby? said...

This reminded me of a funny story.

In Paris, the public toilets out and about charge a fee and have automatic cleaning systems that begin once the door clicks shut after you leave. Money in the slot, open door, pee (or whatever), shut door, "click" then "pssshhhhht" and the cleaning system goes to work inside. Voilà! The toilet is now ready for the next visitor.

Friends of mine were traveling in Paris on a budget. In a money-saving move, the first friend held the door open for the second to avoid paying an additional toilet fee. First friend out, door stays open, second friend in, door shuts with a "click". "Pssshhhht" and out came the second friend screaming and covered in light green antiseptic-smelling foam.

See, Badass. It could be worse.

Melissa said...

Gabby, you just about made me pee myself. Then I would need people spraying air freshener around here. That is fucking hysterical.

The Mad Dame said...

Yeah, it just doesn't like you or your smell. Try and disable it next time in a way that it isn't obvious that someone broke it.

Anonymous said...

To The Mad Dame:

Damn you sound dumb.

Melissa said...

To the Anonymous slammer:

Damn you look like a coward.

Sophia said...

The same happens to me! My mother has one in her room, and it magically goes off every single time I walk in... Even if I'm not near it!


Anonymous said...

To Melissa:

Who asked you bitch.

Badass Geek said...

Vanessa: *high ten*

Dylan Murphy: Yeah, I dunno. I guess it's not the end of the world.

Melanie's Randomness: I just might have to.

Feral Female: Exactly.

Amy: Jon Cryer has come a long way.

Aunt Juicebox: Maybe!

Melissa: My schedule is fairly routine, but I've tried mixing it up with similar results.

Aunt Becky: Clearly.

Stereos and Souffles: The thought had crossed my mind.

Lizzy and Elle: Alrighty.

Jennifer Ramirez: They smell horrible, too.

Elly Lou: Great movie, no?

Moonspun: You know? I haven't. Perhaps I should.

Jennifer: There is no complex from it, no. Just a tad bit of self-consciousness.

Mrs Soup: Most likely, yes.

Nej: Yeah, I don't want to be THAT guy in the office.

Gabby?: Yikes. I guess so!

Melissa: Awesome.

The Mad Dame: A good suggestion.

Anonymous: Hey, now. Play nicely.

Melissa: Now, now.

Sophia: It's a conspiracy.

Anonymous: Alright. Just leave it alone, the both of you.

carissa said...

Don't feel too bad!! There was this difibulator thing ( i don't know what it was called but it had something to do with a heart monitor)at my old and it used to beep at me every time I walked by, I thought it meant I was going to have a heart attack. I know, im a paranoid freak. But you are too!

zachary said...

Hey, there was one time when i was on overtime i went into the gents and this damn thing went *pfftt* i freaked out as it was already late at night, so i farted towards its direction and it cleared off my mind that this little thing is out to get me but it didn't it only got my fart.

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