Wednesday, February 17, 2010

In Which It's Kind Of Obvious

Whenever I'm waiting in the checkout line, I like to scan the various magazine covers for interesting article titles. Normally there isn't anything noteworthy, but I recently came across this gem on the cover of Cosmo this month:




Really. 

Like there really needs to be a How-To on how to touch a naked man? There are few things in life less obvious than that. I understand Cosmopolitan has been around for a while and it's got to be difficult to keep coming up with new and exciting sex tips, but come on. In case you are curious, I'll save you the five bucks from buying the latest Cosmo and tell you how to touch a naked man. 

Look for the Exclamation Point, and go from there. 

37 Comments:

Ashton King said...

They have one of these stories every issue. They just go at it from different angles. Last month it was more Valentine-oriented, i.e. how to touch a naked man while still getting yours. This is one of their better headlines though...

Daddy Files said...

Yeah, this always drives me nuts.

Sure there should be an article for men on how to touch a naked woman. That's because women have like 5,000 erogenous zones. And every friggin woman is different. Each time I started dating a new woman before I got married it was like trying to put together a project with no instructions.

But men? Men are a different story. And at the risk of sounding insensitive, there's only one thing women need to remember about men:

Touch the dick.

There. That's it. Men want to be touched/stroked/licked/fondled in one area. One. It's simple, yet some women STILL screw it up. No I don't want my ear nuzzled. No I don't want you to drag your fingernails across my elbow.

Just touch the dick!

P.T said...

hahaha @ the exclamation point! nice tip :D

I'm still here... said...

I feel like I should send you the 5 bucks you just saved me. =)

Little Ms Blogger said...

LOL..That one statement about looking for the exclamation point would make such an interesting tweet.

Sadako said...

How to touch a naked man.

Don't do a pile driver onto his balls?

Aunt Becky said...

That's why I hate Cosmo. Like, really. REALLY?

Feral Female said...

I saw that cover and had the exact same thought Geek! Seems pretty simple to me but hey, who knows, someone out there may need a hand.

Logical Libby said...

I actually bought that magazine for the tips. The article just said "Really, you want me naked? And you'll touch me? Right on!"

Notesfromthegrove said...

LOL! Yeah, I can't imagine THAT tutorial is very difficult. Cosmo, I swear. Looks as thought they're grasping at straws these days, no?

Aunt Juicebox said...

The first thing I noticed was the "Curb your cravings". I don't buy magazines unless they mention food in some capacity. I could care less about sex tips. Isn't that what the internets are for?

Melanie's Randomness said...

Woa could it be more bluntly obvious that they have RUN OUT OF IDEAS!!! Yikes!

Rebecca Knight said...

"Look for the Exclamation Point, and go from there."

This just made me gaffaw loudly at work. Thanks a lot, Badass Geek ;).

Rebecca Knight said...

Seriously, though. It's not rocket science. And if it is, just touch the rocket.

TechnoBabe said...

I thought that pretty much came naturally. If someone is that close to a naked man they already know what to do and how to touch. I never liked Cosmo.

Adoption of Jane said...

LOL!!

The Mad Dame said...

Cosmo is just like Men's Fitness or any other mainstream magazine. They reuse the exact same ideas/articles/etc and hope to hell that no one notices. Supposedly its a part of some marketing strategy. Idiotic, but it seems to work.

Nej said...

Well....if that headline is merely to attract the attention of people trying to choose a magazine to read....then I'm sure it's been very successful this month. :-)

Dylan Murphy said...

They should do how NOT to touch a naked man. There are way more ways to screw it up than get it right.

Jennifer said...

HAHAHAHA, dude, I saw this magazine, too, in Target the other day and thought just about the same thing, except, I couldn't put it quite as eloquently as you have. You crack me up.

Moonspun said...

I woke up this morning from a dream where my husband and I were about to have sex. In the dream I was just starting to touch his exclamation point. In real life when the alarm went off? I was holding his thumb really tight!

Christina In Wonderland said...

Oh my God, that's hilarious and is the exact reason why I don't read Cosmo. Bullshit, man, utter bullshit.

Arielle said...

Cosmo's sex tips are so bland that even virgins know better.

Andrew Gerald Hales said...

hahahhaha "Exclamation Point".

Queen of Ruckus said...

Well, yes, "How to Touch A Naked Man" should be pretty self explanatory... but if you notice that on the same cover, there's the article titled "How I Solved Our Sex Issue." Perhaps after you read the how to "Touch a Naked Man" article, then you may proceed to "Solve Your Sex Issues." I would have picked up the magazine and would have read the article just for a laugh! Rock on, Badass Geek!

Sandy said...

You should have spent the $5 for the laughs.

another girl said...

i have to agree with everyone else. its pointless to have that as and article. here's a better idea. they should do a page were men ask woman questions that they might have about sex. i dont think there wud be a whole lot of them but its better than what they did

Badass Geek said...

Ashton King: Yeah, but still.

Daddy Files: Exactly!

P.T: That's what she said.

I'm Still Here: Feel free to!

Little Ms Blogger: Indeed it would.

Sadako: That's another good hint.

Aunt Becky: Exactly.

Feral Female: I'm sure there are some people out there who do.

Logical Libby: That's about what I thought.

NFTG: Seems like it to me.

Aunt Juicebox: Pretty much, yeah.

Melanie's Randomness: They need some help.

Rebecca Knight: Yes. The rocket is pretty obvious.

TechnoBabe: It's all about instinct.

Adoption of Jane: Glad you thought so.

The Mad Dame: Somehow, yeah.

Nej: You're probably right.

Dylan Murphy: Exactly.

Jennifer: Thank you!

Moonspun: NICE.

Christina In Wonderland: Pretty much, yeah.

Arielle: Couldn't have said it better myself.

Andrew Gerald Hales: Thanks.

Queen of Ruckus: It probably would have been an interesting article.

Sandy: I probably should have, you're right.

Another Girl: Most likely, yes.

Amber Page Writes said...

Start With the Exclamation Point, Stupid...

Hmmm, I think that's a much better headline, all things considered.

Glamour Girl said...

I saw this yesterday while in the check out line at walmart. First I thought about your recent condom story THEN I noticed the Cosmo and thought the same thing.

Men DON'T CARE how you touch them when they are naked....just TOUCH THEM. And yea, surely the 'lady friend' can figure out WHERE...

Cosmo is tired!

carissa said...

hahahaha look for the exclamation point? Ok now all of my greatest questions in life are solved!

Phoenix said...

Cosmo are idiots. Just like you said, they've been around so long, they have absolutely nothing new to say. Naked guys are naked guys and sex is sex and although there is a lot you can do with this lovely combination, Cosmo has pretty much exhausted every new article or fact on the subject.

Wake me up when they start writing articles on women's health care.

Miss Grace said...

OMG LAUGHING.SO.HARD. I adore you.

miss esther said...

I stumbled onto your blog-hilarious. Your line about starting from the exclamation point is a classic.

Scarlet Charlotte said...

Ha! I am only left wondering exactly which demographic Cosmo is trying to entice? I can't say I know much, but I certainly do not recall needing a manual for those transactions.

argumentics said...

Admit it, you're just writing these posts for chicks. :). As far as I see, it's a smasher.

strokeofliving said...

As silly as these "women's magazines" are you have to love how they stretch the limits of a "story."

How to touch a naked man. Really? Really?

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.