Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In Which I Am Concerned

Ever since I started this blog, reviewing the search terms people have used to come by my site has never ceased to amaze me. It's been a while since I've written about them because it's something that a lot of people do, but I've come across some lately that just have to be shared.


"duct tape chastity" - I don't even know where to begin with this one. While I do have to agree that duct tape is one method of ensuring chastity, there are definitely better and less adhesive ways of achieving abstinence. Like an Everlast, for example.

"I am weak and 24" - Welcome the club, my friend.

"badass checkbook covers" - I could write a veritable laundry list of all the different "badass" things people search for. You name it, I've more than likely seen it on my search term list. But this? Checkbook covers? No. I'm sorry, but there is just no way to make writing a check look badass.  What's more, how can purchasing anything, regardless of payment method, be considered badass? Unless you're flipping Benjamin's off of a roll of bills.

"funny paper towel experiences" - I can totally understand this one. I mean, hasn't everyone had a funny experience with paper towels? Anyone?... Anyone?

"badass hole" - I don't want to know. I really, really don't want to know.

"I like to put hot water on my balls because it feels good" - Ouch. Just... ouch. I'm all for people having fetishes and whatnot that helps get their respective rocks off, but I draw the line when it comes to introducing scalding hot water to my California Raisins


Weird stuff. But then again, normalcy is all relative. 


Jeff said...

Wow. Just, wow.

I guess the only question I have is, how do you find out which search terms people use when they come across your blog?

And every experience with paper towels is a funny one, sir.

Esmerelda said...

I, too, would like to know how you know what search terms people use. Do you search weird terms yourself?

Sus said...

I used to get really funny searches on my blog, but now all that shows up is "Egon Schiele" and "Rocket Cake". Apparently I am losing my edge.

Yankee Girl said...

That is fansmashingtastic. You are finding some quality readers!

JennyMac said...

duct tape chastity? Run girl run from whomever in your house is looking that up.

Badass checkbook cover? new line for you perhaps!

erin said...

All of them make sense to me (ha) except the paper towel one. That person wasn't even DRUNK when they searched that, methinks.

Spunknik said...


This reminds of this website I heard of:

it's basically screenshots that people submit of the weird predictions Google gives. Check it out! I'll give you an example. You type in "I did th" and one search prediction is "I did the macarena with a homeless guy in an elevator because Big Bird said to and he's my leader". Or how about "Why do I h" and you get "why do I have four nipples".

Ally said...

Hi I'm a new follower. I love this blog! Glad I found it, it's funny, I find those search terms crazy as well!

Miss Grace said...

Maybe they just mean like WARM water. Not boiling.

Anonymous said...

I loved your article – it was some great information. I think you and your readers might be interested in another article I found on Medical and Dry Eyes.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I have to do this one day. I actually wrote an entire entry about somebody who actually created a duct tape condom...Hmmm...I wonder if your search will now be upped because of my comment.

Shannon said...

Huh. I'm impressed. The only thing people search for on my blog is my blog title. Any secrets how to get more hits during google searches?

Clearly I'm not as badass as you.

TechnoBabe said...

You gotta admit you do have some strange words in some of your posts. Maybe that is why we strange people like your blog.

BeautifulWreck said...

This is comedy. I am often shocked by some of the search terms that lead to my blog. Definitely some F-ed up shit.

Queen of Ruckus said...

Yeah, the Everlast belt from "men in tights" is a good one. That would ensure chastity more than duct tape. But, with duct tape, there is no need to worry abut rust...hmm... Don't get me wrong, sir, I am an advocate for all things duct tape, but using duct tape as a"contraceptive" would be something I would NOT try! Ouch! haha!

Paper towels are vicious and there are people out there who have had many tragic accidents with them. haha. Maybe I should try looking up a paper-towel-survivor support group...and if I do, I shall report back! :) Cheers!

Kate said...

Ha ha brilliant ter,s/. I always think people who find me must be very disappointed - the searches include "I shag the boss" "Red thong pictures" etc

Kate xx

Kate said...

Sorry that was meant to say terms!

N-i-c-o-l-e said...

Ah thats too funny.

Dylan Murphy said...

I once saw someone who found my blog through the search "pardon my anus." I can't even think of any reasonable explanation for that one.

Phoenix said...

I think I'd be more concerned if the searches were for totally boring, mundane crap. At least this is living proof that your blog fairly drips with awesome.

Which is, in and of itself, probably a funny way to use a paper towel.

Melissa said...

Pardon my anus, but havent you been at least a LITTLE curious as to how many apples your wet paper towel can hold?

Amy said...

That last one is hilarious! And makes me cringe a bit! Also? The badass checking book covers???

What the fuck? What a dork!

Sandy said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you just can't make this shit up. Or can you? If anyone could, it's you.

carissa said...

Hahaha I love google search posts the best. Never fail to crack me up. I don't understand how i get so many sexual ones... I don't think im THAT inappropriate.

Ms. Random said...

I'm with Jeff on this one... wow... just wow...

Jeff said...

And I'm still at a loss as to how to find out what types of messed up shit people are searching for when they come across my blog.

Someone help me. I'm needy. And slightly illiterate when it comes to things more advanced than clicking a mouse and ctrl + alt + del.

Nyx said...

personally, i would love a badass checkbook cover. of course, then i'd actually have to keep a checkbook...and well, that's far too complicated. debit card all the way!!!

and y'know what...duct tape can fix anything.

including, apparently, teenage pregnancy.

oh wait...that's what condoms are for.

hey, there ya go. a new product line: badass condoms.

Mad Woman said...

You get some weird shit on your blog search terms! Maybe you could sell "Badass Duct Tape: Guaranteed to keep your daughter a virgin or I'll pour hot water on my balls".

Badass Geek said...

Jeff: Check out SiteMeter or Google Analytics.

Esmerelda: Always.

Sus: Apparently so.

Yankee Girl: Pretty awesome, eh?

JennyMac: Good idea!

Erin: I have to agree with you on that one.

Spunknik: That site is pure brilliance.

Ally: Glad you like it here! Stick around.

Miss Grace: But still. Doesn't strike me as pleasurable.

Anonymous: Uh... sure, okay.

Little Ms Blogger: It's entirely possible.

Shannon: I've got nothing, but I suppose it's all about your content.

TechnoBabe: That's probably why, yes. =)

BeautifulWreck: Absolutely.

Queen of Ruckus: Thank you for getting the reference!

Kate: If they do get disappointed, it should only be temporary. There are plenty of other sites to find that stuff at.

N-i-c-o-l-e: Thank you.

Dylan Murphy: No... me, either.

Phoenix: Indeed! Good idea.

Melissa: No, not really.

Amy: There's probably a market for them, though.

Sandy: Thanks for your vote of confidence. =)

Carissa: No?

Ms. Random: Indeed.

Jeff: Seriously. Check out SiteMeter or Google Analytics. Both are great tools for viewing search hit information.

Nyx: Badass Condoms, combination prophylactic and hair remover.

Mad Woman: That's quite the guarantee.

Anonymous said...

I loved your article – it was some great information. I think you and your readers might be interested in another article I found on Medical and Dry Eyes.

Andhari said...

LOL the last one WINS.

Seriously, so many creeps in the internet. We should be scared :p

girlvaughn said...

I love love love looking at search terms... it makes me laugh more than almost anything on the planet.

Chris Mancini said...

Badass Checkbook Covers would be cool if the checks were actually hundred dollar bills that you tear out and give to people and say "don't even gotta go to the bank, sucka"

Moonspun said...

You sure get good ones. I don't have balls and I winced at that last one. The duct tape one? well that just makes me wonder about taping up the chastity area and makes me want to cross my legs.

Anonymous said...

I got here with "geek checkbook".
Just sayin.

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