Monday, March 8, 2010

In Which I Am Impressed And Also Slightly Disgusted

I've talked a lot lately about odd things that take place in the bathroom at work. I'm not sure what that means or if it means anything at all, but I would honestly prefer that the weird stuff happen somewhere else. Sadly I don't think I have much of a choice in the matter as outside of the break room, the bathroom is where I have the most interaction with my co-workers. 

One unfortunate* thing about the urinals at work is that there is no partition between them. For the uninitiated, it can be quite awkward to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with another guy while you're both holding your respective junk. Without the partition, even if you try your hardest not to, one can often see way too much of their colleague in their peripheral vision. I don't know about the next guy, but I'd rather get through my work day without seeing my cubicle-mate shake off and tuck it all back in. 

That said, I always try to take my stance at the urinal at a slight outward angle to avoid accidentally seeing anything I don't want to see, and to also protect my own privacy a bit. I'm no homophobe, but if I may be frank, the only Johnson I want to see is my own, and that's only on an as-needed basis. 

The other day, though, I had just approached the urinal when a colleague of mine walked in. He was walking pretty hurriedly, the soles of his loafers squeaking against the tile floor. I had already taken my stance at the urinal and unzipped, foolishly forgetting to angle myself away. Not wanting to seem rude, I stayed put and began to... you know... take care of business. 

This guy, while still a good three feet away from the available urinal to my left, unbuckled and unzipped. I heard this with my back turned and my gaze aimed downward, and just assumed that the guy had to pee pretty badly and was simply preparing himself. My assumption was wrong, because he starting pissing into the urinal while he was still an arms-length away. 

I didn't have to look to know that he was pissing like a fucking fire hose. It shot straight out of him and into the urinal bowl with surprising force, gurgling loudly down the drain. As I was finishing up I couldn't help but appreciate the skill in his aim and his ability to walk slowly forward to get closer to the urinal without ever spilling a drop on the floor.

I went to the sink to wash up, and the guy had stopped peeing by the time I was finished drying my hands. He flushed the urinal, buckled up, and turned towards the sinks. He smiled awkwardly at me, and I offered a half-smile in return as I threw my used paper towels in the trash.

"Sorry about that," he said.

"Oh, no problem," I replied. "Sounded like you really had to piss."

He chuckled. "Yeah, that's putting it mildly. I didn't think I was going to make it."

"Too much coffee this morning?" I asked.

"Nope. Energy drink."

"Ah," I said knowingly. "Enough said."

I left the bathroom shortly after, partly unsure if what had just taken place had really happened or not. I shook my head in wonder and told myself it would probably be for the best if I just forget the whole thing. These sort of things probably could only happen to me, after all.

Happy Monday, folks.

*Another unfortunate thing about urinals without partitions is side-spray. Just let that thought simmer for a minute. You're welcome.

30 Comments:

Little Ms Blogger said...

One of the many reasons I love being a woman...privacy in the bathroom is priceless!

Feral Female said...

Amen Little Ms Blogger, amen!

Juliette said...

Oh geez, this is both funny and awkward to read.
Hope you're Monday continues to be...um...interesting.

WhereForArtThouRomeo

Chris said...

ewwwww on the side-spray.

Mwa said...

Very funny post! A veritable feast of information to my uninitiated mind.

TechnoBabe said...

The guy has been practicing!! He was just showing off.

Everyday Goddess said...

Remember in the movie The Full Monty when the guys were hiding in the ladies room, and they witnessed one of the women peeing like a man? No?

Netflix it.

But I get how awkward it must be to pee in front of co-workers. You poor guys!

Melanie's Randomness said...

Yikes. Its funny I work with 5 guys and they are always saying how uncomfortable it is to have urinals so close together. Mind you I'm the only girl in the office so I would think they'd at least wait til I'm out of the room to discuss such things but alas no. lol. I like being a woman cuz we have stalls. If there was side spray I think I'd freak a lil!

Mommakin said...

I work with young kids. The other day I overheard a conversation between a couple of boys:

"I went in the girls room by accident once. Did you know they don't have any standers? Just green doors."

"ALL green doors?"

"Yep."

"WHY?"

(adopting a falsetto and shaking his hips) "Because it's more LADYlike to sit. It isn't PROPER to stand."

I made no move to correct his perception. Ladylike, proper and, um, just plain less unpleasant, sounds like...

Mystern said...

I'm an advocate of the partition, though I usually just crowd the urinal so I don't have anything like that to worry about.

Heather said...

Sidespray. Gross.

Pam said...

So glad I'm a woman. I would just hold it or wait till the other guy was done. Oh.. and I'd wear a raincoat. Yuck!

Andhari said...

Eww! That's just gross! You handled it very well, by the way. :)

Aunt Juicebox said...

My husband has a co-worker who totally drops trou at the urinal. They all check for his location before they head to the bathroom, so they don't walk in and get mooned.

Sandy said...

YOU? Odd bathroom stories? No! You really have filled me in on what happens in men's rooms. I think we have passed TMI.

Ellen said...

Holy shit, this is kind of awesome. In a totally gross way, of course. I'm surprised he addressed the situation. If I do anything embarrassing in a public bathroom, I just wait until everyone is gone before I make my exit!

http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/

soft nonsense said...

The sign of a great writer: both those who have experienced the awkwardness of urinals (us males) and those who haven't and would have preferred to never hear anything about it can visualize it.

Heather said...

Now I'm embarrassed too. :)

...Gabby? said...

I'm with the others in that this makes me glad to be a girl.

Other than that, I see the potential of a book in these collected posts...something along the lines of "Tales at the Urinal". ;}

http://adatingconfessional.blogspot.com

Badass Geek said...

Little Ms Blogger: Indeed it is.

Feral Female: The lack of partitions in Men's Rooms is not uncommon, sadly.

Juliette: Always, my friend. Always.

Chris: Yeah. Exactly.

Mwa: Glad I could help.

TechnoBabe: That's what I was thinking.

Everyday Goddess: Yeah, I'm all for getting to know my co-workers, just not in that kind of way.

Melanie's Randomness: Yeah, I think I would, too.

Mommakin: Agreed.

Mystern: Crowding the urinal is a good technique, so long as your own side spray doesn't get on your clothes.

Heather: Yes. Very gross.

Pam: I often take one of the stalls if one of the urinals is occupied.

Andhari: Thank you!

Aunt Juicebox: That is just a whole lot of wrong.

Sandy: I don't know what I'd write about if it wasn't for odd bathroom stories.

Ellen: You and me both.

Soft Nonsense: Thank you kindly.

Heather: It happens.

Gabby?: Maybe... just maybe. =)

Amy said...

ICK! This is just one more reason I'm glad I don't have a penis. And how come there's no privacy for you guys??? It's like some sort of barbaric dark ages in that bathroom.

I'm sort of traumatized for you, hun:(

BeautifulWreck said...

This just grosses me out. So glad I don't have a dick.

JennyMac said...

While we don't get as many stalls, we do get to shut the door. Chit chat while going to the bathroom? ick.

And thanks for the tiny addendum about side spray..mmm, glad I am eating while I read this.

Moonspun said...

So glad I am not drinking lemonade while reading about side spray!

Jennifer said...

Oh my God... That's so awkward! I'm so glad I use the women's restroom!

Vanessa said...

Wow! Your colleague sure is skilled. Either it's a natural born talent or he's had lots of practice. My friend was just telling me today that she woke up to find that she had pooped in her pants.

Nej said...

Another reason I'm glad I'm female. :-)

Joel Dixon said...

Really rich content and very useful information. I found my problem’s solution starting over here. I exceedingly advocate his/her machinery by means of the valuable enlightening information. Thanks a lot………..social work personal statement

Harding Jamie said...

To speak the truth this is a nice post concerning this topic. I got a pure solution from here. Also I can refer to you all http://hwsolvers.com/programming_project
here to get educational helps. Nevertheless will wait for more posts from the blogger. Thanks a lot…….

Joshua King said...

First of all thanks for the post. Actually it is overwhelming post. I do like your firm workings and be grateful for your idea. I can pass on you another site where one can obtain huge assistances about tutoring. To learn moiré, please click here. zebra rugs cheap

Post a Comment