I am no stranger to seeing weird things.
No, I'm not talking about hallucinations (although there are times when I think seeing imaginary things would be pretty cool). I'm talking about the crazy things I see when I'm just going about my daily life. A quick stroll through the archives here will be proof enough of that. I've seen vertically-challenged firemen, graphically obscene car decals, and ninjas walking around in plain daylight to just name a few, but don't let me spoil it all for you. Take the time to go through the archives if you haven't already. I promise it will be (mostly) worth your time.
Suffice it to say that weirdness and I are good friends...
... Which is why I was so stunned by the woman I saw on Wednesday, while waiting in the doctor's office with The Boss for an appointment.
I'm not often at a loss for words, but I really had to stop and think about where to start when describing her for this post. She was so beyond weird that it forced me to reconsider my own definition of weirdness. She was a 37 on a 1-to-10 Scale of Weirdness. She was a train wreck of so many weird things that I could not help but stare unabashedly at her screamingly overt weirdness.
She had a nose like those eels from The Little Mermaid. Her hair was sticking out in every direction like she was charged with near lethal amounts of static electricity. She either had no teeth or had forgotten to slip in her dentures that morning, so her lips were sunk into her mouth. Her lips had to have been very dry because she kept licking her lips every thirty seconds or so, making a sloppy wet sound as she did so. Her eyes looked like they were too big for her head to a point, yet they were still a bit weasel-like.
She was wearing neon green fleece sweatpants printed with Christmas trees. She wore a t-shirt that said "Proud To Be A Redneck" under a zip-up sweatshirt... the pockets of which were full of old candy wrappers and spent tissues that made a crackling, rustling noise every time she moved. The metaphorical cherry on top of this ice cream sundae of oddness was the tube socks and sandals she wore on her feet.
And that was just what she looked like.
I don't think I posses the skills to properly describe the pain she inflicted upon my ears when she spoke. Keep in mind that this was in a doctor's waiting room, where proper etiquette states to speak in hushed tones. This lady talked like she thought she was in a wind tunnel. She bellowed each and every syllable to make sure that the rug rat that was sitting next to her could hear. It's important to mention that because of her lack of teeth, she spoke with a lisp and her voice had a sort of liquid quality. And all during she extensively interrogated her son about where his "thneakers" were and if he ate his "thandwich" for lunch, she kept savagely licking her lips, suspending strings of saliva between her lips whenever she opened her mouth wide.
It was all I could do not to stare.
I mean, with the hair and the pants and the lack of teeth and the nose, it's not like you'd need to call any more attention to yourself by speaking so incredibly loud. She had to have been hard of hearing or just lacking any tact whatsoever. I just couldn't fathom that so much weirdness could be contained in one person without spontaneously combusting.
I can't bring myself to speculate what she may have been thinking when she got dressed that day. I can't bring myself to really elaborate on anything about her. I am just in awe. Seeing her was like seeing an elusive rare butterfly... a really trashy, rare butterfly.
I wanted to take a picture to prove what I saw, but I couldn't get a good angle with my camera phone. Who knows... maybe I'll luck out and see her again. This town isn't all that big.
Have a good weekend, everyone.