Friday, March 19, 2010

In Which I Am Perplexed

I am no stranger to seeing weird things.

No, I'm not talking about hallucinations (although there are times when I think seeing imaginary things would be pretty cool). I'm talking about the crazy things I see when I'm just going about my daily life. A quick stroll through the archives here will be proof enough of that. I've seen vertically-challenged firemen, graphically obscene car decals, and ninjas walking around in plain daylight to just name a few, but don't let me spoil it all for you. Take the time to go through the archives if you haven't already. I promise it will be (mostly) worth your time.

Suffice it to say that weirdness and I are good friends...

... Which is why I was so stunned by the woman I saw on Wednesday, while waiting in the doctor's office with The Boss for an appointment.

I'm not often at a loss for words, but I really had to stop and think about where to start when describing her for this post. She was so beyond weird that it forced me to reconsider my own definition of weirdness. She was a 37 on a 1-to-10 Scale of Weirdness. She was a train wreck of so many weird things that I could not help but stare unabashedly at her screamingly overt weirdness. 

She had a nose like those eels from The Little Mermaid. Her hair was sticking out in every direction like she was charged with near lethal amounts of static electricity. She either had no teeth or had forgotten to slip in her dentures that morning, so her lips were sunk into her mouth. Her lips had to have been very dry because she kept licking her lips every thirty seconds or so, making a sloppy wet sound as she did so. Her eyes looked like they were too big for her head to a point, yet they were still a bit weasel-like.

She was wearing neon green fleece sweatpants printed with Christmas trees. She wore a t-shirt that said "Proud To Be A Redneck" under a zip-up sweatshirt... the pockets of which were full of old candy wrappers and spent tissues that made a crackling, rustling noise every time she moved. The metaphorical cherry on top of this ice cream sundae of oddness was the tube socks and sandals she wore on her feet. 

And that was just what she looked like.

I don't think I posses the skills to properly describe the pain she inflicted upon my ears when she spoke. Keep in mind that this was in a doctor's waiting room, where proper etiquette states to speak in hushed tones. This lady talked like she thought she was in a wind tunnel. She bellowed each and every syllable to make sure that the rug rat that was sitting next to her could hear. It's important to mention that because of her lack of teeth, she spoke with a lisp and her voice had a sort of liquid quality. And all during she extensively interrogated her son about where his "thneakers" were and if he ate his "thandwich" for lunch, she kept savagely licking her lips, suspending strings of saliva between her lips whenever she opened her mouth wide. 

It was all I could do not to stare. 

I mean, with the hair and the pants and the lack of teeth and the nose, it's not like you'd need to call any more attention to yourself by speaking so incredibly loud. She had to have been hard of hearing or just lacking any tact whatsoever. I just couldn't fathom that so much weirdness could be contained in one person without spontaneously combusting. 

I can't bring myself to speculate what she may have been thinking when she got dressed that day. I can't bring myself to really elaborate on anything about her. I am just in awe. Seeing her was like seeing an elusive rare butterfly... a really trashy, rare butterfly.

I wanted to take a picture to prove what I saw, but I couldn't get a good angle with my camera phone. Who knows... maybe I'll luck out and see her again. This town isn't all that big.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

28 Comments:

Little Ms Blogger said...

Imagine having a meal with her? Okay, even I don't want to go there.

I love to people watch and would do it more often except random strangers love to approach me and just 'share' their life with me.

Although flattered because they feel so comfortable to open up to me, I miss great opportunities like you had in the doctor's office.

I hope the Boss is fine.

Name: I Sell Soap. said...

Cool story bro.

Kat said...

I will give you $5 if you can get a picture of her. Seriously.

Spunknik said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Juliette said...

Oh. My. Goodness.
This person sounds like someone worthy of the poorly dressed people of the world and people of Walmart websites.

WhereForArtThouRomeo

Amy said...

You should start a new website: peopleofthedoctorsoffice.com.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Maybe you'll luck out and NEVER see her again.

Logical Libby said...

Her poor kid. he is going to need serious therapy.

TechnoBabe said...

Too bad you didn't get a picture. Or maybe it is better that we each form our own picture from your description.

Sus said...

I don't think that woman and the phrase "good angle" can be in the same sentence.

Melissa said...

I know you love Maine and all... But maybe move a LITTLE further south?

carissa said...

How in the world did you keep from laughing in her face? I wouldn't have been able to do it. You are a better man than I.

Bama Cheryl said...

Wow. Coincidentally, I was in a hospital's blood draw clinic yesterday and I think I saw her sister. Not good. I'm with Kat on getting the picture.

Nej said...

I think you did a marvelous job of describing her. It was painfully uncomfortable to read. :-)

Dylan Murphy said...

Just walk into the New York City Subway. There will be 30 people just like her.

Sandy said...

You do have an uncanny ability to bring a vision to mind with words. See if you can tone that down next time you encounter such weirdness. And I'll chip in for the picture.

The Good Cook said...

Mentally Ill comes to mind...

Chuck said...

Just remember that some one thought enough of her to have sex with her...if it was her kid she was with. I believe this speaks directly to her choice of t-shirt and the value (or lack of) of alcohol in our society. I too am sorry there is no picture.

#1Nana said...

That was you at the doctor's office? Thit, I didn't recognize you. You thould of thaid hi and we coulda taken a picture. If I wear my teeth next time would you recognize me?
LOL

Cheryl said...

Maybe she's crazy. Or blind.
Then I bet you'll feel bad about this post.

Mad Woman said...

You would be the most awesome guy in my whole universe if you could get a picture of her :) I bet she's got a million cats at home!

Josephine said...

Lol, just walk up to her, ask her to smile and take the picture? Plenty of photographers do that you know. :)
Anyway, cool post. There can be all sorts of reasons for people to look the way they do, whether it's Alzheimer or carelessness, but sometimes you just can't help noticing. I know how it is. :)

A Fitness Minute with Pat Anderson said...

Dude, that was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh! You gotta love it. Nice blog.
Pat

Moonspun said...

And you know what? I bet she looked in the mirror that morning and thought...damn I look Good!

Daddy Files said...

Welcome to Maine.

Ronnie Coldbowl said...

No disrepect intended as I know it to be true that you are not a blind man - i know this how? Simple - I have never seen you on the street corner selling pencils or doing Stevie Wonder impersonations with an acordian and I have never seen you wearing dark Ray-Ban sunglasses and belting out a chorus of "you got the right one babe-ee", but I digress. Are you positive that it was a woman? I only ask this simple question because you described my 89 year old father to a 'T'. Right down to the toothlessness that was surely caused by eating all of the candy that once lived happily inside of the wrappers that insulate his pockets. As I think about it more I think I recall him complaining about some guy and his boss staring at him in the waiting room at the doctor's office waiting room last week as well. :)
Thanks for yet another successful kill of five minutes. I truly enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Ronnie ColddBowL
www.coldbowls2cents.com
www.coldbowldailyjournal.blogspot.com

Amber said...

That could have been any of the hundreds of people I see in my local Wal-Mart whenever I have to go there.

Deep South, babe....that's where the freaks are.

Sildenafil said...

this is very perplexed, I get impressed when I read your story, I am so happy to know about this, it is so amazing, I have never found so funny until I read this.

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