Wednesday, March 24, 2010

In Which I Have No Excuse

A number of years ago, when The Boss and I were still dating but living together, we went to visit my parents. They had called us up the day before and invited us over for dinner, even offering to let us bring our laundry over if we had any to do. We, of course, jumped at the chance. Their offer was for two of the best, most awesome things for young couples: a free home-cooked meal, and free laundry. 

Visiting home was always a whirlwind during those days, as there was always something going on and plenty to get caught up on. I usually got roped into doing some chores or helping my dad with some stuff around the house, but I didn't mind, especially considering the free laundry (I'd gladly sweep the floor or take out the trash if it meant I didn't have to sit at the sketchy laundromat in town). The Boss would sit and drink tea and chat with my mother, and on the day in question, I suppose we got a little caught up in visiting and forgot about our laundry. 

When I finally remembered, I ran downstairs to the laundry room. My mother, quickly stepping into her role as the caretaker that she had missed since I had moved out for college two years prior, had long since switched over The Boss' laundry and started my laundry in the washer. By the time I made it downstairs, it appeared that she had even folded The Boss' laundry when it was done drying. My wash was almost done it's last spin cycle, and as I waited I sifted through The Boss' laundry to make sure everything was folded and not just the few things on top.

I lifted up her bath towel on top of the pile, and froze. What I saw made my blood run cold. 

Sitting on top of a pair of neatly folded jeans was a pair of The Boss' underwear, but not just her regular underwear. They were her pair of zippered-crotch panties.

Wrap your mind around that for a moment. My ultra-conservative Christian mother, who told me directly that she didn't approve of The Boss and I living together before marriage because we'd be living in sin, folded a pair of my live-in girlfriend's zippered-crotch underwear. 

I wanted to burst into flames from sheer embarrassment. I know they weren't my underwear (I suppose I would have had some explaining to do if that was the case), but of all the things I wanted to keep from my mother, the fact that my girlfriend sometimes wore zippered panties was definitely one of them.  

Oh, man. Oh, shit. 

I quickly buried the evidence under a few more layers of clothes and went back upstairs after putting my laundry in the dryer. My mother was standing in the kitchen, leaning up against the counter with her arms folded across her chest. One of her eyebrows was raised slightly, and I felt the chill of judgement raise the hairs on the back of my neck. My face became warm and flushed.

"Thanks for folding her laundry," I said after a moment of uncomfortable silence. 

"No problem," she replied, her voice heavy with disappointment.

Just then, blessedly before the conversation could turn in any direction closer towards the scandalous underwear, The Boss emerged from the bathroom and joined us in the kitchen. She looked at me and smiled, and I smiled back. I thought to myself, you won't be smiling when I tell you about this on the ride home.

The Boss was, of course, mortified. It was a long time before she would come with me to visit my parents again. And thankfully, the topic has never come up for discussion with my parents. It has been a good memory to laugh about ever since, although I think it helps that she buried the underwear deep in her dresser in her attempts to distance herself from the embarrassment. 

And no, she never wore them again. 


The Good Cook said...

Hahahaha... at least your mom had the decency to never mention it. My mother would have been sure to bring it up in front of an entire room - like at Christmas dinner.

erin said...

My parents are not ultra conservative and they would have never EVER let me live that one down. EVER. EVER!

It would have been mentioned several times in front of each of my siblings and then sprinkled into conversations with any or all of my aunts and potentially even my grandmother.

Logical Libby said...

My Mom would have put them ON TOP of the pile, and then left the pile on the kitchen table for all to see.

You got of easy.

Yankee Girl said...

My parents really know how to go with the flow, but if that was me, I would be teased about it FOREVER. And then maybe given another pair as a gag gift in the presence of other family members just to make it more embarrassing.

I have no idea what I would have done if I was in your situation. I probably would have cried.

Aunt Juicebox said...

You shouldn't have told her! You punished yourself because she never wore them again. But I have one question....zippered crotch? Ow or no?

Jane Lively said...

I was having a hard time wrapping my brain around zippered-crotch panties. Maybe your mom didn't know what they were.

Jane Lively said...

or wait! Maybe she thought they were yours, thus the heavy disappointment!

Melissa said...

I am confounded with the zipper crotch panties too. Ok, wait for it. I am going to say the word....... LABIA!! WTF happens to the labia minoras with zipper crotch panties? What is the point? And fucking OWW!

Daddy Files said...

This is a triple whammy.

1) Your mom thinks you're a hellbound sex maniac and you're embarrassed.

2) Your mom thinks your wife is a hellbound sex maniac, and she's embarrassed.

3) You don't get to see her in those panties anymore. And even if you did, you'd be thinking about your mom.

The rare "lose, lose, lose" scenario. Sorry my friend, that's tough.

Nej said...

Would be difficult to wear them again, knowing that your future mother in law folded them. An image you don't want in your head when wearing them. :-)

Aunt Becky said...

ZOMG. ZOMG. ZOMG. That's amazing.

Sandy said...

We all have these kinds of stories in our past. Keep laughing.

Natalie said...

If that happened in my family someone would have pulled out the zipper panties and brought them upstairs to show everyone. You should count your blessings that all she did was fold them.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Oh. My. God. I can feel your embarrassment.

Before I married my 1st husband, I lived with him and when we got engaged, I got the letter from my folks stating they were happy we weren't living in sin. So, I completely understand this situation and am only thankful this never happened to me.

Mad Woman said...

Um, are zipper crotch panties not horribly ouchy for you? Just sayin'.

Love this story, but hubby is backin' Aunt shouldn't have told her :)

Sonia Sunny Thomas said...

LOL.. I had a similar incident with my mom-in-law but the saving grace it wasn't zipper crotch panties..
Chk it out in my blog:

Badass Geek said...

The Good Cook: I do have that to be thankful for.

Erin: Sounds like you have awesome parents. =)

Logical Libby: I sure did.

Yankee Girl: The thought of crying did cross my mind.

Aunt Juicebox: I couldn't tell you. I would say "no" because she never mentioned getting hurt by them.

Jane Lively: I think she had a good idea.

Melissa: I have no idea. It was a long time ago.

Daddy Files: Indeed. Thanks for the sympathy! =)


Aunt Becky: Amazing in an awful way.

Sandy: Oh, yes. Always.

BeautifulWreck: It'll probably come up when she's much older and loses her inhibitions.

Natalie: Oh, I do. Believe me I do.

Little Ms Blogger: Living in sin was fun, though.

Mad Woman: Oh, they'd come off before anything involving certain... parts of me.

Sonia Sunny Thomas: Awesome.

Phoenix said...

Good lord. I grew up in a New England home of stiff-upper-lipped parents who liked to pretend that sex didn't even EXIST. I can only imagine that if my mother found a pair of scandalous underwear that I owned her head would probably explode New England repression all over the walls.

Ugh, I don't know how you didn't just throw up on your own shoes in embarrassment. That's what I do when I'm humiliated because it's a really, really good way to change the subject immediately.

Amy said...

AHHHH! That is sooo embarassing!
After living with my in laws for the past 9 (NINE!!!) months, a few random pairs of underware always end up in our stack. I'm always grossed out to see granny's panties in with our stuff, but I'm sure a pair or two of my thongs have ended up in theirs.

BTW, they are uber right wing, religious, conservatives! I'm pretty much the devil;)

Moonspun said...

Oh my god...that is funny, although I can only imagine how mortifying that was....and yea, if I was the boss, I've never have touched them again....or worn them, or zipped them....

Chibi Jeebs said...

Oh. My. God. *dies from embarrassment* I probably would have never returned to your parents' house: The Boss is made of sterner stuff than I! Also? My parents NEVER would have let us live that down. EVER. They're kinda jerky that way. ;)

Andhari said...

LOL I would have DIED too. I would only wash those kind of underwears BY MYSELF. Not even gonna send it to a laundry service hahaha awesome!

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