Monday, June 7, 2010

In Which I Talk In Code

Editor's Note: Even though I know that a majority of my readers are women, this post is for the guys. 

Guys, have you ever offered to take your wife/girlfriend to the movies, hoping that this time she might be in the mood for something more up your alley in terms of genre of movie? You know that the theater in town is playing the newest gory action flick/comic book adaptation/spy thriller that's been getting rave reviews. You think, in what can only be considered Man's Logic, since you went to see that lame chick flick with her a few weeks back, that asking her to see this movie with you would only be fair.

So you wait for her to call when she's on her way home from work. You ask if she'd be up for going to the movies tonight, and she practically squeals with delight, saying yes, she'd love to go to the movies. In your mind, you're thinking, Sweet. I've got this all locked up. You're just about to mention the movie you want to see, and the rationality behind why you think the both of you should go together to see it.... But you've reacted too slowly. She cuts you off.

"I've really, really, really been wanting to see that new movie where the tragically single girl meets the hot guy who says he loves kittens and shopping, but she's still attached to her ex, and he's all angst-y and they almost breakup when they start arguing in the rain but then he kisses her and they live happily ever after."

You drop your head, defeated. You give no response.

"Can we see that one?" she'll ask, and you, being the nice guy that you are, will say yes.

So there you are, waiting in line at the theater to buy your tickets. The marquee for the movie you wanted to see is on the wall to your left, and you look at it longingly. That movie looks so kick-ass, you think to yourself, and just as you're thinking that it couldn't get any worse, your wife/girlfriend looks up at you.

"I have to go pee. Can you get the tickets?" she asks, all smiles and glittering eyes.

"Sure," you reply. 

It just got worse.

Not only are you going to see some mushy, sappy, romantic comedy instead of that awesome action movie, you now have to stand there by yourself and tell the cashier that you'd like two tickets to that mushy, sappy, romantic comedy. You say the name of the movie quickly so to be done with the pain and indignity of it sooner than later, like ripping off a band-aid.

Ladies, you might think I'm exaggerating things a bit here. Normally I'd say, yes, you're right. Except this time, I'm really not. It's bad enough that we have to sit through two hours of predictable, corny dialogue and sappy-sweet "aww" moments, but now we have to tell the stoic male cashier that "I'd like two tickets for He's Just Not That Into You, please." Yes, going to chick flicks or romantic comedies with the wife/girlfriend does usually result in some sexual favors afterwards, and honestly, thats usually all that is getting us through the movie. We're sitting there, repeating over and over in our minds, She's gonna play with my balls when we get homeShe's gonna play with my balls when we get home.

To help lessen the blow for us men-folk who have to endure this experience, I'd like to make a suggestion to the movie production companies: Come up with alternate titles for their Chick Flick/Romantic Comedy/Love Story movies. Titles that are geared towards men who are in the situation as described above.

For example, instead of He's Just Not That Into You, you could ask to see You Gave Away The Milk But Now He Doesn't Want The Cow.

Instead of Killers, you could ask for The Latest Lame Ashton Kutcher Movie.

Instead of The Notebook, you could ask for The Movie That Will Get Nicholas Sparks Laid For Life.

Instead of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, you could ask for How To Lose Respect For Matthew McConaughey In 10 Seconds.

Instead of Sex And The City 2, you could ask for SJP Makes Me Queasy, Too.

I think you get where I'm going with this.

Having Code Names for those genre of movies would make going to see them a little less painful*. And before you mention it, I know you can buy movie tickets online these days. You still have to go up to the cashier to get your tickets, though (at least around here). 

What other Code Names for chick flicks can you think of?

Happy Monday, folks.

*I mean this post in fun. If I hated going to girly movies so much, I wouldn't go, and I'm not saying I've ever been forced to go. Yeah, we don't like going to see girly movies, but if you ask any guy who truly loves his woman, he'll tell you that we endure those movies (just like you endure the action flicks we like) because we like making you happy. The sexual favors afterwards are just a bonus.


Noelle Sebastian said...

Oh my! Badass, this post is hilarious :) For the record, I like guy movies. I think a lot of us girls secretly do.

Jeff said...

Dude! Nice timing. I literally went and saw Sex and the City 2 with my girlfriend last week. It was the worst 147 minutes of my life, but she owes me Predators and Splice (I got two movies out of it!).

Not only that, but shitty chick movies provide for blog post material, as Sex and the City was for me.

Also, "She's gonna play with my balls when we get home," had me fucking ROLLING, as I believe that was my exact thought process through the whole thing.

Amber said...

Well, I can say I am a chick who hates the chick flick.

Give me zombies, blood, gore, exploding heads any day of the week over a chick flick any day.

I am way more into the "dick flicks" as my good friend at the Intermittent Sprocket might say.

Dylan Murphy said...

The key is just to buy the tickets beforehan dand surprise the girlfriend, thus giving her no choice. All you have to say is, "I thought you wanted to see this!"

Juliette said...

This is really amusing :]
But not all of us little girls like lame chick flicks!
My boyfriend and I have the same taste in movies, whenever we watch the previews we always turn to each other and say, "We HAVE to see that!"

-Juliette WhereForArtThouRomeo

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Your movie post was hilarious!

I'm a closet lover of guy movies, including the infamous The Boondock Saints.

My guy was nice enough to volunteer to take me to Pride and Prejudice and Le Divorce.

I did not push him with Sex and the City 2.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Action movies are the only ones I'm willing to pay money for to see it in the theater! If I'm going to torture myself with the experience of going to the theater and putting up with the a-holes who can't stop talking or turn off their phones, then it's going to be for something that's better seen on the big screen. I can certainly wait til most movies come out on dvd to see them, but anything with "alien" in the title HAS to be seen in the theater.

The Social Frog said...

I am a woman but I could care less for most chick flicks and would rather see something else and I guess it helps that hubby and I give and take when it comes to seeing movies and I do give into some movies he wants to see in in the end I enjoy them too. There is nothing wrong with chick flicks either it is rare but I do watch them. So what movie was it you wanted to see??haha

RAY J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RAY J said...

ol... code names are great - when I managed a theater in college we used to make em up all the time! One of the more memorable ones was for Children of Men - we referred to it as Kids of Dudes.

There's very few chick flicks I want to go see and hubby almost always refuses to go to one (last one we saw together was The Ugly Truth, which he admitted was actually pretty funny!). Since he'll rarely go see them I usually make a girl night with a female friend, my mom or my teenage sis to go see these. Or I'll save em on Netflix for when they're on DVD.

Other than that, there's very few movies I'll refuse to go see, most of which I refuse are ones that hubby agrees look pretty dumb too.

I like the action, adrenaline movies, or the book adaption thrillers and even most sci-fi movies and of course the sex comedies. I can't wait to see The Expendables later this summer as well as Machete in September! actually most of the movies I want to see this summer are "guy" movies... there's a reason they referred to me as "dude with long hair" at the theater, lol...

ForeverRhonda said...

I just took my son, grandpa and cousin to see "The Losers", there was sex, guns, bombs, people getting blown up and it was adapted from a comic book.

I love those types of movies. As previously stated I think a lot of women do. :)

Chibi Jeebs said...

Damn! I must be doing something wrong... maybe in the ball department? Chebbar has me trained to not even ASK to see a chick flick: he just flat-out will. not. go. I, however, am expected to accompany him to every gory, head-exploding flick produced.*

*Okay, not expected: I'm always invited, but I always have the option of saying no.

X said...

I hate ro-co's, personally, but I do have to catch a few a year. The wardrobes, hair and makeup always make it worth it.

But, I think it should be give and take when it comes to movies. I watch a loud war movie, he watches a dark indy. That's how it works in our house.

Lady Mama said...

This made me laugh - I think my husband could have written it. We rarely watch chic flicks at the movies though - either I go with my girlfriends or we rent them on DVD.

I could think of a few alternative titles to "He's just not that into you"... God that was pathetic.

Chuck said...

I guess I am a fortunate wife either watches the girly movies at the theatre with her two best friends (leaving me free for whatever I want to do!) or when it's her turn to pick the DVD we watch one together at home. When we both go to the movies it's all action and usually the 3-D kind.

Tony said...

Dude, I haven't stopped reading just have had some computer troubles at home and for some reason I can't leave comments on your page from work. This is the reason I missed out on trying out to do a guest post on your blog :(

Anyway, I figured that the best girlfriend to have is one that is bisexual - that way she can go see all the action, sci-fi movies with me and we'll do all the cool, fun stuff together. When the Sex in the City movies come out she can go watch that and all those other chick flicks with her girlfriend - and, we'll all be happy.

Warehouse Actress said...

Prince of Persia = Prince of please punch me in the face and put me out of my misery!

The previews alone give me nightmares!

Badass Geek said...

Noelle Sebastian: But why be secretive about it?

Matt: I'm saving the Dark Tower series for last, after I've read everything else he's written. That way everything will all tie in together.

Jeff: Dude, I'm sorry for you. SATC2 should never have been made.

Amber: Dick flicks. Awfully porno-esque, but still a great term.

Dylan Murphy: You, sir, are wise.

Juliette: The Boss and I have similar tastes in movies, too, but she still has a penchant for chick flicks. I'm trying to work her out of it.

Evil Pop Tart: He will appreciate you more than you know for not making him see SATC2.

Becky: Only if you have a dangle dongle.

Aunt Juicebox: Yes, there are some movies that deserve to be seen in theaters.

The Social Frog: Anything but "Killers".

RAY J: The Expendables does look pretty awesome.

ForeverRhonda: The Losers was a great movie.

Chibi Jeebs: He's got some balls if he flat-out refuses to go. I can respect that. =)

X: Seems fair enough.

Lady Mama: The title and the movie, yes.

Chuck: I get dragged to a few chick flicks a year. Other than that, The Boss wants to see just about every other movie I want to see.

Tony: There would be other benefits, too, I'm sure.

Warehouse Actress: We saw that recently, and it was okay. Predictable, stereotypical Bruckheimer.

carissa said...

hahah this is awesome, but you know it can work both ways, easily.

I'm too tired to think of any but ill come back to ya on this one.

Moonspun said...

You are too funny...good suggestions!

Nej said...

My movie picks, if they aren't of interest to Mot (which usually they are...but there are those occasions - Blind Side for example, when they aren't)....get vetoed. Then we rent them later on, and he says "Why didn't we go see this in the theater, it was really good."


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