Editor's Note: Even though I know that a majority of my readers are women, this post is for the guys.
Guys, have you ever offered to take your wife/girlfriend to the movies, hoping that this time she might be in the mood for something more up your alley in terms of genre of movie? You know that the theater in town is playing the newest gory action flick/comic book adaptation/spy thriller that's been getting rave reviews. You think, in what can only be considered Man's Logic, since you went to see that lame chick flick with her a few weeks back, that asking her to see this movie with you would only be fair.
So you wait for her to call when she's on her way home from work. You ask if she'd be up for going to the movies tonight, and she practically squeals with delight, saying yes, she'd love to go to the movies. In your mind, you're thinking, Sweet. I've got this all locked up. You're just about to mention the movie you want to see, and the rationality behind why you think the both of you should go together to see it.... But you've reacted too slowly. She cuts you off.
"I've really, really, really been wanting to see that new movie where the tragically single girl meets the hot guy who says he loves kittens and shopping, but she's still attached to her ex, and he's all angst-y and they almost breakup when they start arguing in the rain but then he kisses her and they live happily ever after."
You drop your head, defeated. You give no response.
"Can we see that one?" she'll ask, and you, being the nice guy that you are, will say yes.
So there you are, waiting in line at the theater to buy your tickets. The marquee for the movie you wanted to see is on the wall to your left, and you look at it longingly. That movie looks so kick-ass, you think to yourself, and just as you're thinking that it couldn't get any worse, your wife/girlfriend looks up at you.
"I have to go pee. Can you get the tickets?" she asks, all smiles and glittering eyes.
"Sure," you reply.
It just got worse.
Not only are you going to see some mushy, sappy, romantic comedy instead of that awesome action movie, you now have to stand there by yourself and tell the cashier that you'd like two tickets to that mushy, sappy, romantic comedy. You say the name of the movie quickly so to be done with the pain and indignity of it sooner than later, like ripping off a band-aid.
Ladies, you might think I'm exaggerating things a bit here. Normally I'd say, yes, you're right. Except this time, I'm really not. It's bad enough that we have to sit through two hours of predictable, corny dialogue and sappy-sweet "aww" moments, but now we have to tell the stoic male cashier that "I'd like two tickets for He's Just Not That Into You, please." Yes, going to chick flicks or romantic comedies with the wife/girlfriend does usually result in some sexual favors afterwards, and honestly, thats usually all that is getting us through the movie. We're sitting there, repeating over and over in our minds, She's gonna play with my balls when we get home. She's gonna play with my balls when we get home.
To help lessen the blow for us men-folk who have to endure this experience, I'd like to make a suggestion to the movie production companies: Come up with alternate titles for their Chick Flick/Romantic Comedy/Love Story movies. Titles that are geared towards men who are in the situation as described above.
For example, instead of He's Just Not That Into You, you could ask to see You Gave Away The Milk But Now He Doesn't Want The Cow.
Instead of Killers, you could ask for The Latest Lame Ashton Kutcher Movie.
Instead of The Notebook, you could ask for The Movie That Will Get Nicholas Sparks Laid For Life.
Instead of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, you could ask for How To Lose Respect For Matthew McConaughey In 10 Seconds.
Instead of Sex And The City 2, you could ask for SJP Makes Me Queasy, Too.
I think you get where I'm going with this.
Having Code Names for those genre of movies would make going to see them a little less painful*. And before you mention it, I know you can buy movie tickets online these days. You still have to go up to the cashier to get your tickets, though (at least around here).
What other Code Names for chick flicks can you think of?
Happy Monday, folks.
*I mean this post in fun. If I hated going to girly movies so much, I wouldn't go, and I'm not saying I've ever been forced to go. Yeah, we don't like going to see girly movies, but if you ask any guy who truly loves his woman, he'll tell you that we endure those movies (just like you endure the action flicks we like) because we like making you happy. The sexual favors afterwards are just a bonus.