Monday, August 23, 2010

In Which We Are Tricked

Today is Day One of my week-long vacation, and instead of sharing with you the thoughts that plague my brain on a daily basis (and also to give myself a bit of a break), I've given the reigns over to my new friend and fellow blogger who... well... I'll let her introduce herself on her own.

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After dreams of finally having a full week off, my vacation was mercilessly put to a halt when I got a call from my boss at work. Apparently, they needed some extra hands because many of my co-workers called in sick. Things like this just make me want to be that flight attendant who quit his job. Life hits you in the head with annoyances, you scream naughty words, and run away with style.

That’s how I would (preferably) roll, but life sometimes life takes twists that you can’t even imagine.

With that said, I have a tale to tell you from a little while ago.

It was mid-summer and jolted awake at three in the morning to a low drone of a voice coming from my living room. As the voice boomed louder and louder, I obviously became very panic-stricken. I cursed the fact that I was the only one in my apartment at the time. Not only was there that to worry about, but the solitary working phone (my cell phone) was in the kitchen charging. If I wanted to call the cops, I would have to sneak past the apparent home invader. After much mental deliberation, I decided to brave my mounting fears and I grabbed the biggest object near me.

It happened to be Stephen King’s epically thick Under the Dome novel. Win.

So, with my novel in hand, I fearfully tiptoed out of my bedroom and into the hallway by the living room. At that point, I thought if this home invader was not going to kill me, a heart attack sure would. As I tried to go towards the living room, I peered into it and I was able to hear the voice coming from within.

“Hungry…again…” the voice wheezed.

You may laugh now, but it scared the hell out of me. The voice was followed by throaty laughter and another proclamation.

“Me VEEEEEEEEERY hungry…”

Great. The ax murderer in my living room was illiterate and a cannibal.

At that point, I couldn’t take the panic-filled thoughts that ricocheted in my head, anymore. There was no way I was going to get to the phone without being caught by the perpetrator, so I had one choice left.

As quickly as I could, I clambered into my living space, flipped on the lights, and I found the source of the perpetrator’s voice. It came from under a mass of blankets on my couch. With some deft blows to couch, I tried to knock the home invader out. When I thought my job was done (and I beat the bloke to the best of my ability), I was horrified to hear more hoarse laughter emitted from under the blankets.

“That tickles!” the voice droned. “Do it again!”

What the…?

I took off the covers on my couch and I revealed the perpetrator...

It was my younger relative’s Furby they left at my apartment.

Its eyes fell out (from my beating) and its batteries must have been dying (to give the children’s toy such raspy voice). My over-active imagination never had a prouder moment. Other than that, I obviously felt embarrassed when I found out what the perpetrator was, but I am glad I didn’t call the cops on a children’s toy. At least it does make for good storytelling. Speaking of stories, this post is titled “In Which We Are Tricked.” I have been tricked by the Furby, but you haven’t been tricked yet. You see, the event above really happened to me, but some of the details were tweaked it a little bit to work for my evil purpose. You see, there is yet another twist to the tale:

I am not the Badass Geek. I am the Writer Ninja.

Got you.

Other than playing pranks on innocent (or not-so innocent) people like you, I run a blog called Writer Ninja. In that blog, I celebrate “obscure holidays,” or a phrase which here means, “A holiday recognized by Congress, but celebrated by no one.” I love to make snarky comments about the quirks of life (and annoying people). I also over abuse parenthesis (what a shocker!) and I like to describe what I am really doing when I write your posts using asterisks. *stares at you through computer screen with laser eyes*

Blog Inspiration of the Day: Badass Geek, I can never fill your shoes. Not even the metaphorical pinky toes of your metaphorical shoes. That’s how badass you are. It amazes me how you take all of this time to entertain us for no personal gain whatsoever and you just have a love for entertaining people. (Unless you are slowly but surely stealing your follower’s identities and selling them to the black market…) After all, you did put the “Badass” into the Badass Geek. *ponders* I might want to check this out. Not that I have ties to the black market or anything like that.

Today’s Obscure Holiday: Be an Angel Day. Hmm, let’s see. I lied to people and I accused Badass of being a black market employee. (He totally could be. I mean, just look at his mysterious profile picture. Those swanky shades spell trouble.) See Badass, that’s what I do when you are gone and you let me post. I ruin your reputation and create conspiracies about you.

Ha, now you know.

Random Fact of the Day: I really get annoyed at people who honk at other drivers excessively when there is heavy traffic. I mean, where in the heck am I going to go?

Keep on honking, buddy. I’m reloading.

KABOOM!

~Writer Ninja

So, I believe that ends my evil reign of the Badass Geek’s blog. It was fun to fool you (or not fool you) and I would greatly appreciate it if you would drop a comment (perhaps something about a prank you played, or somebody played on you). After all, I am declared tyrant of this blog for a glorious day.

By the way: Are you on team Ninja or Pirate?

Remember pirates, I have a five star. *pets five star and does not bleed* I am not afraid to use it. I know where you live. As a matter of fact, look behind you. Feel that breeze on your neck?

Fooled you again…or am I kidding?

My friend, life is a giant conspiracy theory.

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I must say, she did a fair job of impersonating yours truly. I've got another guest post lined up for Wednesday, so stay tuned. I miss you all already.

Happy Monday, folks.

8 Comments:

eissel said...

Writer Ninja surely got me tricked.. I guess I missed the part where you've "given the reigns over to (your) new friend"..

Faye said...

I admit it, I was totally taken in. Such a clever ninja! (Btw, Team Ninja! *glances over her shoulder, just checking*) I dig the parenthesis and asterisk-actions! :P

Shorty said...

LOL So random. I had to laugh. Good stuff, Ninja.

Didactic Pirate said...

Ninja, you were right to be concerned about that Furby (even after you found out that's what it was). Those little robots are the tools of the devil. Their eyes follow you EVERYWHERE.

Chuck said...

That was pretty damn good...I'd have shot up the whole house if I heard that.

thebookliberationproject said...

Furbies are evil. Evil in the way Popples are made of happiness and sunshine.

I play the Pirate side of the road. I was born that way. I was also born with a bottle of rum and a revolver, so I wouldn't even notice you. If I did, I'd laugh.

Nej said...

Oh man....when my sister first had her little boy, her hubby was going to college in Missouri, and she lived with me for a little while. One night, both her and my nephew weren't home, and I went into their room to grab some dirty laundry to wash with mine. I turned on the light and really, really, really loudly I hear "Peek a booooooo!!!!"

I nearly pee'd my pants.

My nephew had been given a stuffed Big Bird as a gift. If you covered it's eyes, then moved your hands away, it would exclaim "peek a boo!!!" Apparently, turning on the light in a dark room triggered it's annoying message as well.

My sister came home, and Big Bird was sitting on her bed....with a big piece of duct tape over it's eyes.

Stupid bird! :-)

Writer Ninja said...

Do I get to reply to the comments like Badass does? Well, I hope so…

@eissel: Yes, I tricked you!

@Faye: See, isn’t team ninja the obvious choice?
I am glad you agree.

@Shorty: Thank you! I try to keep things as random as possible.

@Didactic Pirate: Even though you are a pirate, I could not agree with you more. When I got that Furby as a gift, I always had to have it face away from me during the night…

@Chuck: Ha! If only I had some firearms. The walls of my house would have looked like Swiss cheese!

@thebookliberationproject: You are a Pirate too, huh. Well, I guess I get along with them fairly enough. ;) But, I do agree with you about the furbies. They are furry versions of Satan.

@Nej: Ha! I see we have had similar experiences. It scares the hell out of you when it happens, but when you retell the story people don’t get that crazy fear you feel. It’s funny how our imaginations can make us believe situations are worse than they really are ;)

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