Wednesday, September 15, 2010

In Which I Get Into Hot Water

Any man who has been in a relationship with a woman for any length of time will inevitably find himself in a situation from time to time where he is in trouble for doing absolutely nothing wrong. One can find themselves in this predicament either by inexperience, non-attentiveness, or by misguided good intentions. Over the years of my relationship with The Boss, this has happened more times than I can count. It's just a fact that us men-folk resign ourselves to, and if we're smart, we don't blame it (at least out loud) on hormones or monthly cycles.

For example, The Boss and I lived for a period of time in an apartment where there was no dishwasher. None of us wanted to wash the dishes to begin with, and especially not when they piled up in the sink for a couple of days and started smelling like the funk behind a homeless man's ear. When it could be put off no longer, the chore usually fell to me. To The Boss' defense, the apartment was on city water that was really abrasive and caused irritation on her hands, so washing dishes was painful for her. After a couple of months with having sole responsibility for dish duty, I understandably got a bit tired of it. So I, with nothing but honest and good intentions, went out to the store and bought her some rubber gloves to wear so she could help out. They weren't the cheap yellow generic gloves, either. They were pink with polka dots, non-latex, and were a bit pricey as result. When she came home, I told her that I had bought her something. She naturally got excited, thinking that it was an actual gift, not something so glaringly domestic. The look on her face when I presented to her her new pair of dish washing gloves? Well, let's just say that the phrase "if looks could kill" was invented for a reason.

I didn't learn my lesson there, either. A couple of months later, she asked me if I thought that she had lost weight. Even though we had been married for two years at this point and I knew the correct response to this question (it's always yes), I came back with this reply: "I can't tell. I see you every day, and I don't notice small changes." Even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew that I was going to find myself in trouble, but I couldn't stop it from coming out. I tried to take it back and follow it up by saying that yes, I did think she had lost some weight, but it was far too late at that point. The damage had been done.

One classic case that gets me every time is when I'm asked, after a few minutes of expectant glances, if I had noticed anything new about the way she looks. My immediate thought process?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What's new? Is it her hair? New earrings? Did she get new shoes? Is she wearing makeup today? What is it? Fuck. FUCK!

Sometimes I think you women-folk try to make sure we're on our toes and ask this sort of question even if there isn't anything new. Either that or you like to watch us squirm while we try to come up with the response that will do the least amount of damage.

I'm not complaining at all. After all, this is a part of relationships that is universal to us all. It's not fun feeling like an ant caught in the focused light from a magnifying glass, but in the end, it's worth it.


Proud Maisie said...

If a guy buys me cute rubber gloves to wash up in, all he has to do is hoik my skirts up, smack my arse, and I am happy as larry... You're clearly doing it wrong.

Jasmine said...

Hey, it's a lot more complicated than you think!

I'm glad you think it's worth it, though.
I know a guy who should read this.

garciagirl82 said...

Oh man, the gloves...I cringed when I read that!

soft nonsense said...

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What's new? Is it her hair? New earrings? Did she get new shoes? Is she wearing makeup today? What is it? Fuck. FUCK!"

Haha nailed it...

Natalie said...

Whenever I get my haircut I tell my husband, "I'm getting my hair cut today so when I get home I would like a compliment", this way everybody wins! I get my compliment and he's not being thrown under the bus.

Cyndi said...

Tell her that her boobs look bigger and give her a lecherous look. You may get slapped but she'll smile about it later. ;)

Sean said...

Cyndi - That would work, except for the fact that the Boss is expecting, so they'll naturally get bigger. ;)

And on that note, you're in for even more fun now once the cravings kick in, assuming they haven't already. For my first child, my wife, at 9:35 PM, suddenly had a craving for a sub sandwich. So I told her I'd head to the grocery store and get the fixings. "NO! It *has* to be from Subway or Blimpie!". So off I went. Went to the nearest Subway - it closed 5 minutes prior. Went to the next one. They were just closing up. I begged outside the store to reopen - offered to pay triple price. They laughed at me. 1 hour and 9 sub shops later I returned home victorious. She opened the wrapper, took a whiff, and discovered that turkey now made her nauseous and wanted spaghetti instead.

And just so that you don't think you're safe after 1 - the cravings change EACH time. First child it was red meat - suddenly hated chickens. Second couldn't stand red meat, but ate those rotisserie chickens 2 a day (and no, I'm not kidding - funny for a woman who is 105 lb soaking wet). The other two kids had their own sets of cravings generated as well. So watch out. ;)

cahanbury said...

Here's something most women won't tell you.

We're crazy.

No really. We know it. We see it happening. We can't stop it. Once, while I was pregnant with #4, I was literally raging one minute and crying the next, all while wailing, "I don't know why I'm crazy!!!"

That all being said, the gloves thing wasn't too smart. Live and learn, my friend.

Didactic Pirate said...

I would offer several quippy comments here, plus an amusing anecdote --

--but my wife might find out.

Melanie's Randomness said...

aww this is actually a sweet post. You can tell you love the boss very much. I try not to be asking questions with my boyfriend like notice anything new stuff. If something's different I'll tell him flat out so he doesn't feel pressured. What's funny is my bf has been buying me domestic stuff because I just bought a new place. I hope it eventually switches to jewelry. hehe. =)

Shorty said...

My husband almost always notices when I get my hair cut (for example) but he doesn't always like it. His mistake is when he says, "It's okay I guess... I'm just happy, if you're happy." I know he means well, but geez, does this mean he doesn't want to look at me? Is my hair THAT bad?? LOL Men and women are just different. But that's what keeps it interesting.

However, now that your wife is pregnant, well... GOOD LUCK.

Deidra said...

Maybe you could find a way to confound The Boss with your manliness? Or just go insane. That might have the same effect as what women do to their men.

Amy said...

I don't think we purposefully try to catch you "men-folk" off guard or put you on the spot. I think women just crave attention from their husbands and we clearly don't understand that you guys, typically, don't pay attention to details. (unless you count the fact that you know precisely how many points Chris Johnson scored last week for your fantasy football team)

I guess the key is to not take things too personally on either side, huh?

Jennifer said...

I think the only time I mess with a guy like that is if he's done something to irritate me, like he had a moody day and put me through Hell and back, then I start messing with his mind a little... Because I'm better at the game than he is.

Otherwise, I don't usually do that stuff. Especially the weight thing... I don't like asking it, because I'm too insecure to hear the answer, positive or not.

Ms. Random said...

Seriously? The gloves for washing dishes being given as a PRESENT wasn't exactly "doing absolutely nothing wrong." LoL

"...when I'm asked, after a few minutes of expectant glances, if I had noticed anything new about the way she looks." This isn't a fair one, granted. We all do it and I have no idea why. We just want you to notice when we do something that effects our outward appearance. When we pose this question, we are probably already worked up by the fact that you didn't already notice on your own.

We just want to feel good about ourselves and you feeling good about us is the biggest part of that. We don't do it on purpose. Promise. (Well, MOST of us don't anyway!)

Chuck said...

That is so close to home it is scary. I am stuck with dishwasher-less dish duty myself...however the trade is the wife has to walk the dogs before bed...rain, sleet, snow, whatever. It all evens out in the I am a pretty fast dish washer!

Duckbutt said...

Dude, you're married. Let me explain to you the Laws of Marital Thermodynamics:

1) You cannot win.

2) You cannot break even.

3) You cannot get out of the game.

Writer Ninja said...

My Grandpa Art has been married to my Grandma Anne over 50 years. Here is his view on their quibbles:

“Your grandma, she is always 99.9% right about things.”

*My grandma grins after their fight and leaves the room with a sense of victory.*

“And when she’s not around,” he chuckles, “I am 100% right, every time!”

Amber Page Writes said...

Oh, the gloves. Such good intentions, so wrongly executed. I, for one, feel sorry for every man committed to a long-term relationship with a woman, because you are all doomed to suffer our wrath for reasons unbeknownst to you.

However, men can be aggravating as well. Has she ever tried to talk to you while your favorite sport/show/video game was on...for the seventh hour straight?

I thought so.

TechnoBabe said...

The gloves were a good idea. It could have been presented differently as I am sure you learned. Where did you find cute pink with polka dots gloves?

The Bear Monk said...

My wife very rarely springs surprise questions like that on me...thank God. But, when it comes up its usually something about the house's decor. I can never see what it is she's done till she points it out and even after she's pointed it out I am NOT NEARLY excited enough. Am I really supposed to be doing back flips for some new curtains?

Badass Geek said...

Proud Maisie: I guess so.

Jasmine: It's totally worth it. It's just hard to think that at the time.

Garciagirl82: I cringe when I remember it now.

Soft Nonsense: Thanks, I thought so, too.

Natalie: Smart.

Cyndi: I don't think it's physically possible for her boobs to get bigger. She's blessed already.

Sean: Oh, I'm already bracing myself for that.

Cahanbury: I had good intentions. Selfish, yes, but still.

Didactic Pirate: Wise man.

Melanie's Randomness: It will, once he runs out of small appliances to buy you.

Shorty: Thanks.

Deidra: Going insane would probably earn less laughs at my expense.


Jennifer: I hear you.

Ms. Random: Oh, I know. It's just funny sometimes.

Chuck: You got the better deal there, my friend.

Duckbutt: At least not cheaply.

Writer Ninja: Epic.

Amber Page Writes: Very rarely do I do things that take up that much time. But yes, I get your point.

TechnoBabe: I forget. Walmart, probably.

The Bear Monk: Our apartment is a mess so I can't help but notice changes. Generally speaking the piles of junk get moved around, and it's when I can't find something that I notice.

Moonspun said...

My hubby bought me a red square pan to make pancakes for our first valentine's day. I employed the looks could kill method and he went out the next day and bought me chocolate.

Sandy said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life you guys are a box of chocolates to live with. We've been married nearly 25 years and the only comment he ever made that I NEVER let him forget was the time he said I wasn't that sexy. Even if he thought it was true (Please god, he didn't) it didn't seem to stop him from chasing my ass around for years. Men! ;-)

Sandy said...


Daniel said...

Fucking spot on... brilliant post. Smooth move on the dishwashing gloves. Wish I could've seen that one play out...

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