Wednesday, September 29, 2010

In Which I Wouldn't Be Right For The Job

Often times, for reasons unknown to even myself, I'll find myself thinking about jobs that I would not be a good fit for. You know, just in case I ever find myself in a position where I am offered said job, I'll be prepared and will have my answer without having to think about it. Like a majority of my thoughts, this doesn't actually serve a purpose, but you know what they say about idle minds.

Here is a short list of professions that I would not be good at. I would not make a good...
... President of the United States, because I would reassign the purpose of the Situation Room from being primarily a conference room and intelligence center to a massive target practice range with strategically placed pictures of The Situation. The room would be equipped with an array of different weapons to shoot the target with (paint balloons, BB guns, watermelons, eggs, and poison-tipped darts are just a few I've thought of). 
... Emergency 911 Operator, because I would be all like, "Dude, seriously? You got what stuck where? What made you think that would be a good idea?" to every caller who was calling in for help after they did something stupid to themselves.
... Podiatrist, because I dislike looking at Sarah Jessica Parker for even the briefest of moments, much less day in and day out for the rest of my career. Also because feet are gross.
... Sportscaster, because I would be unable to resist the temptation to doodle with the screen-writer thing during game play, and give close-up shots of people Hitler mustaches and devil horns.
... Pharmacist, because I would constantly second guess myself about how many pills I had counted out, and would have to recount everything that I did at least twice. My obsessive compulsive streak would make me accurate, however exceedingly slow.
... Ninja, because I would inevitably feel the need to show off my awesome nun-chuck skills and wind up knocking myself unconscious in front of my mortal enemies. 
... Radio DJ, because I would only play the songs that I like.
... Daycare Provider, because I would focus primarily on trying to get the kids to do something funny and catching it on video to send into America's Funniest Home Videos instead of actually taking care of the kids.
... Traffic Cop, because I would be too tempted to just let everyone go at once, or to make everyone stop and wait for a minute to learn the value of patience.
... Game Show Host, because I have this problem where if I see someone struggling with a question and I know the answer, I find it extremely difficult to not just blurt it out. It's not because I want to be a know-it-all, it's because I want to be helpful. I promise.
Lucky for me, I'm not often approached out of the blue and offered random jobs in which I have absolutely no experience. It's probably not a coincidence that I selected jobs that I would be bad at that have relatively high levels of pressure upon job performance, either. With the job I currently have, I'm all about keeping the expectations low, or at least not too high, so I don't disappoint anyone.

After all, disappointment in the workplace is unemployment's ugly cousin.


Deidra said...

Too bad you aren't a 911 Operator...I'm sure people would a appreciate a good comedy skit in their time of need, and who better to deliver than you?

Shorty said...

I have the same thoughts ALL the time. Weird. I often put myself in the shoes of others I know. "Could I be a dental assistant like my sister? Could I mow lawns all summer like my husband?" In both cases... NO! So my current job also doesn't involve high expectations... leaving little room to disappoint.

Jasmine said...

I would doodle the hell out of the screen-writer thing. Did you doodle on your homework and tests, too?

nova said...

HA! The Situation room thing made me laugh. I can see it now. (cue dream sequence)

Kev D. said...

I'd make a fireman because i'd try to make smores and roast wienies.

Excellent post by the way.

Kev D. said...

I meant, I'd make a BAD fireman, or firefighter, or whatever.

Didactic Pirate said...

I can't help but notice you didn't include "Pirate" on your list of jobs you're not qualifed for. If you're ever interested in a career change, send me a resume.

Moonspun said...

That's a pretty good list...

Chuck said...

That is a damn good list and I can see myself in most of it. I may have to think about what I would not be good might take me a while.

Logical Libby said...

How about day care providing ninja? That's a specialized niche.

Maggie said...

I like your list.....I happen to think *I* would be perfect for all those jobs. For the reasons you wouldn't be :-)

Britt said...

Ah! Podriatrist! I would just pass out. I couldn't be any kind of hospital worker that works in close proximity with emergency patients. Blood. I can't handle the blood...

Britt said...


Yes, that was totally going to bother me if I just left it like that. haha :)

Writer Ninja said...

What?! You would make a great ninja!

See, you suggested that you could not be a ninja because, “I would inevitably feel the need to show off my awesome nun-chuck skills and wind up knocking myself unconscious in front of my mortal enemies.”

Hmm, I think you are just saying this to confuse your mortal enemies into a false sense of victory. Badass Geek Ninja for the win!

Badass Geek said...

Deidra: I'm more skilled at written delivery of my quick wit than I am for my oral delivery.

Shorty: It's a good place to be, isn't it?

Jasmine: CONSTANTLY. So much, in fact, that it got me into trouble.

Nova: Ah, that would be nice, wouldn't it?

Kev D: I got you.

Didactic Pirate: Will do.

Moonspun: Thank you!

Chuck: I know the feeling.

Logical Libby: The kids would be safe, right?

Maggie: Well, there you go.

Britt: Blood I'd be okay with. I despite feet.

Writer Ninja: Good point!

Nej said...

The screen-writer thing would be a dangerous toy!!! Fun - but dangerous!!! :-)

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