Wednesday, October 6, 2010

In Which I Might Need Protection

When The Boss started showing an interest in crafting, I encouraged her. She didn't really have a hobby that was constructive before, and I wanted to be supportive of her new interests and allow her the space and freedom to pursue whatever direction she decided to go. Of course, by supporting her I was ultimately giving her permission to bring into our home whatever supplies she needs to make things with. Over the past two years her collection of crafting supplies has expanded at an almost constant rate, and I never had any problem with it. Not even when bags of Poly-Fil stuffing took over my easy chair. I've never complained a single time, even when I jabbed my toes on pins she accidentally dropped on the floor. I even laughed it off when I got a piece of thread wrapped around my balls because somehow it wound up in my laundry basket.

After a period of time and relocating her craft table to a bigger room, I realized that I would eventually have to draw the line somewhere. I never really knew when that line would be drawn, but I found myself drawing it this past weekend. Why, you ask?

I came home from helping my Grandmother move on Sunday and found this sitting on the coffee table:

Don't let that cherubic smile fool you. This is no ordinary plastic baby head. It's smile and pudgy cheeks are just a ruse to lure you in, as this hairless baby head is a minion of evil. Once, when I walked across the room, not only did the eyes follow me, but I swear to God it actually fucking turned to be able to continue watching me as I left it's field of vision.

I protested almost immediately to this unwelcome addition to our apartment.

The Boss thought it was funny that I found it to be creepy. I don't think I'm the only one that finds dolls to be creepy, but maybe I've read too much Stephen King to just accept things for what they are. Even though it is void of arms and legs to move around with, all I can picture is this doll head skittering up to me while I sleep and staring at me, waiting for me to feel it watching me and wake up so it can kill me.

"Well, what do you want me to do with it?" she asked.

"I don't know, but I don't want it out in the open. Put it away. It's creepy as hell."

"Where should I put it, then?"

"Inside a lead bag and in the closet."

She laughed, but eventually relented and put it inside a plastic bag and tucked it away in the closet. I went into the closet later that evening and put the bag in a box, and then stacked heavier boxes on top of it. With the demon possessed, you can never be too safe. I mean, just look at those eyes:

Now that I think of it, I'm not sure even the barricade is enough to keep us safe. I'm worried that if I tried to throw it away that it'd ever truly be gone. Like a bad Ouija board, I'd throw it in the dumpster outside and it'd be waiting for me on the kitchen counter once I got back upstairs to my apartment. I think it's time that I invested in a crucifix and made some holy water*.

Dolls, even if they are just little plastic heads, are like clowns. They can't be trusted.

*How do you make holy water, you ask? Just take some regular tap water and boil the hell out of it.


Kyra said...


Proud Maisie said...

I am a craft addict. My partner is not nearly so understanding. When we had a party, he hid the yarn basket I keep in the corner of the lounge so people wouldn't see.
That said, doll-head is scary.

Daniel said...

Sweet Christ, that's fucking creepy...

Kael Hunt said...

LOL I hate dolls with moving eyes - also too much Stephen King. I craft all the time but my worst investment in dolls was a barbie & ken so I could try the doll clothes on them before gifting them to the kids. As for the protection barrier, if the holy water doesn't work, try adding a ring of salt or maybe some garlic...

One Blonde Girl said...

Sweet Stephen King that doll is evil. And of course, creepy. I hope you found a suitable storage solution for this demonic being, and good God, your solution better not have been to bury it in the little cemetery up the hill from your house.

Deidra said...

:shudder: I'm glad I don't live near you.

steffie b said...

I'd be cautious about stuffing it away in a might become angry.

Scuba Nurse said...

Ok, sneak up on it so it isnt expecting you.
Take a fat recently cherry popped no-longer-virgin, and a guy in a red jumpsuit (two expendables as a buffer).
Stuff it in a sack, take it to hallowed ground, burn it, mix it with holy water, then scatter it facing mecca while chanting to the FSM.
good luck friend.
I will put up a memorial FB page if it doesnt work out.

lessonsinlifeandlight said...

No dude. THAT is some creepy shit.

Writer Ninja said...

Hmm, I see Chucky will be searching at your house for his head. *cues dramatic music and puts on movie trailer voice* It is only a matter of time before he comes back…and when he does…say you know ninjas!

Chuck said...

Where did she get such a thing??? The Boss had to know what it would do to your mind...right?

Badass Geek said...

Kyra: Agreed.

Proud Maisie: Very much so.

Daniel: I can feel it watching me even now.

Kael Hunt: I might try the salt tonight.

One Blonde Girl: No. I might try burning it.

Deidra: As you should be. =)

Steffie B: Good point.

Scuba Nurse: Good to know.

LessonsInLifeandLight: It sure as hell is.

Writer Ninja: I will!

Chuck: You're right! She must have done it on purpose.

Employee No. 3699 said...

You need to play a game of kickball with that thing while jamming to "Some Heads are Gonna Roll" by Judas Priest!

Jasmine said...

Office Space that shit.

That baby has some weird looking eyebrows...

kristina said...

While creepy, freaky and evil, at least it isn't a baby clown head...

Moonspun said...

Any true blue Stephen King fan such as yourself has good reason to be frightened by that!

Nej said...

Under NO circumstances, would that thing be allowed in my house. Nope. No way.


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