Monday, October 11, 2010

In Which It's Kind Of Even More Obvious

First, it was this less-than-brilliant cover of Cosmopolitan magazine that I caught sight of (and wrote about) at the supermarket earlier this year:




In case you're not seeing it, I'm referring to the absurdity that is what seems to be the flagship article of this particular issue, titled "How To Touch a Naked Man". I thought after seeing this that the writers currently employed by Cosmo had completely run out of ideas and were pulling whatever they could salvage into an article out of their asses. I mean, seriously. Among the clientèle that read Cosmo, do you really think any of them need to know how to touch a man when he's naked?

I though I had seen it all when I wrote about it back in February, and for a number of months, that statement held true. Then I saw the current issue at the supermarket this past weekend:




Okay, Cosmo. Enough is enough. Stop patronizing your readers. Yeah, there are a lot of stupid people out there today who probably need step by step instructions to do a lot of menial tasks, but I'm pretty sure that even the dumbest people out there can figure out the birds and the bees without needing a tutorial.

I think we should start coming up with ideas for articles and mail them in to the magazine, so they actually have something useful to write about.

Happy Monday, folks.

35 Comments:

Scuba Nurse said...

Its creepy, because the girls (and I use the term deliberately) who WILL be curious about this stuff are the ones who are too young to be reading this crap.
Im not concerned about them educating themselves about sex, but I do want them to respect themselves and thier bodies enough to expect thier partners to do the same, and thats the LAST thing these mags teach.
"curb your cravings without feeding your face."
For FSM sakes...
Most of these girls are still growing!!!

Proud Maisie said...

If it's one thing that humanity seems overly good at, it's breeding...

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

First take off his pants....

oh dear, I suppose that explains why I was 35 before I got pregnant.

I always took off the shirt.

The Shanner of Attention said...

wait..? I'm supposed to take his pants off FIRST? I think I need to buy this magazine.

Helena Halme said...

I've never met a guy who's backward in coming forward when sex is on the agenda. He'll take his own pants off in seconds....?

One Blonde Girl said...

Cosmo is an insult to women and their (sexual) intelligence. For real Cosmo? For real? What's next? "Men Like Boobs"?

Big Sky Heidi said...

I read Cosmo for amusement. It's kind of like reading one of those historical bodice-rippers. It's best not taken seriously.

OMG! Men like boobs? Who knew?

Banana Oil said...

Cosmo is a pain in the hiney.

Shorty said...

I don't like Cosmo anyway.

Phoenix said...

You're missing the point, Bad-Ass Geek. The point of Cosmo selling sex tips to girls (I can't really call them women because women know better than to buy into this shit) is that Cosmo advocates Self Esteem through Making Men Happy. Take a look at any Cosmo magazine and check out how many articles, in a magazine FOR women, are about men - about how women should know how to please men, read their minds, keep them, get them, manipulate them, not "freak them out", and blow their minds in bed.

This is a woman's only worth, says Cosmo. This is why you want to buy this magazine - so that you can make a man happy and therefore YOU will be happy.

Welcome to what most 14 year old girls hear every day of their life.

Didactic Pirate said...

Wait -- pants come off first???
Huh. I TOLD my wife something seemed off.

Deidra said...

...Wow. People are actually becoming too stupid for sex? Mankind's days are numbered.

Jennifer said...

Most of those magazines, particularly Cosmo are a joke. Unfortunately, they have a large following. I think we should all send them ideas, you first!

Scuba Nurse said...

I think the thing is that they are a certain type of mag, and they sell. We cant change what THEY do.
There are better, more interesting, more powerful reading materials for young girls.
Its up to us as mentors and leaders to head them in the right direction.
Porn will never go away but you wouldnt catch a girl reading that on a bus now would ya?

Becky said...

I'm with Phoenix on this one. For a magazine specifically FOR women, they write a lot of crap about men. I used to buy Cosmo religiously but then I thought 'If I really want to know what my man wants in bed, shouldn't I be asking HIM?'
The latest issue that I read? Every. Single. Article was about the man.
I stopped buying it. And started buying things to make ME happy.

Mik said...

Is it all part of the same article? If so, they are stretching it out a bit!

Moonspun said...

What if he has already taken off his pants? Or what if he is wearing a kilt? Or women't underwear? :-)

Atomic Dog said...

Has Cosmo ever covered tentacle porn yet, or Schiesse movies as teaching tools?

B said...

If we are going to be so literal about it, the shoes should probably come off first. Taking pants off over shoes is always so so so much harder than you think it will be at the time. . .

Shame cosmo.

Penny Lane said...

Question, have you taken the time out to actually read the articles? These editors are not stupid. It is the most obvious of titles that grasp readers attention. They know that what is inside can't possibly be what the article is actually about, so they pick it up off the stands and ... there we go.

You see? The article is not saying well before you engage sexual intercourse you should remove a man's pants, there is something behind it. Obviously pants just get in the way.

Peace and Love,
D

Employee No. 3699 said...

That is too funny, thanks for the laugh.

Theresa B (of Nebulopathy) said...

My theory (and I haven't found anyone who is willing to read the "magazine", so I can't prove it) is that they print the exact same articles every month and just change the headlines a bit so it's not completely obvious.

My prediction: next month there will be an article on 15 (or maybe just 10, but possibly 20 if they need more room to place ads) ways to drive your man wild in bed. Plus a checklist of all the habits that your man is annoyed by but won't tell you about.

Lessons in Life and Light said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thought those articles looked STUUUUPID!

What's next? "Men Really Like it When You Want to Have Sex"?

Duckbutt said...

Someone needs to send Cosmo a copy of "Venus in Furs" or maybe "Psychopathia Sexualis." There are other ways besides the missionary position.

Badass Geek said...

Scuba Nurse: It's sad, isn't it?

Proud Maisie: Seriously.

ComfyMom~Stacey: Common mistake.

The Shanner of Attention: Apparently so.

Helena Halme: Right? We know the drill.

One Blonde Girl: Probably, yes.

Big Sky Heidi: Absolutely.

Banana Oil: Agreed.

Shorty: Never read it, myself.

Phoenix: Oh, I get the point. Believe me.

Didactic Pirate: Dry humping is all the rage.

Deidra: I hope not.

Jennifer: I've got a couple. =)

Scuba Nurse: Let's hope not.

Becky: Good for you.

Mik: I would say so!

Moonspun: That's a whole other article. =)

Atomic Dog: Not that I'm aware of.

B: It really is difficult, isn't it?

Penny Lane: Of course I didn't think the article was instructing people step-by-step. I know it's all a marketing ploy.

Employee No. 3699: No problem!

Theresa B (of Nebulopathy): You're probably right.

Lessons in Life and Light: It's true! We do!

Duckbutt: Absolutely, there is.

Chuck said...

Carrie Underwood is so hot! Thanks for posting that picture again.

Jasmine said...

I've read duplicate articles in two different issues before. I think they don't have shit to write about.

mice_aliling said...

You should see the shows we make for this magazine...hahaha. Men boost their egos and women watch scream at their boy toys. :P

Papa K said...

I personally don't notice any of the headlines... I'm too busy staring at the cover girls. Katy Perry.... Whoa. How does Russell Brand pull that?

Andrea T said...

I know I am a little late in posting, but another thing that gets on my nerves about Cosmo, is the celebrities on the front are always posed basically the same way. Hand on the hip on one side, hand in the hair/ or near neck on the other side. I bet they could all just go and pop one pose, and as long as their hand is on that hip, it's the perfect photo for the cover..

Ezekiel said...

If you haven't seen this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI

It is bang on topic. :D

Sam said...

Maybe that little how-to was really for the benefit of the staff at Cosmo-I mean it's possible that they have been locked up in their own office building so long that they themselves had no idea that you 'first take off his pants'-and when they stumbled upon that fact somewhere on the internet they felt this was a secret no one else was privy to?

Writer Ninja said...

Wow, now that they point out blatantly obviously details, I can’t imagine what the rest of the article would be like. This reminds me of cheesy romance novels. The writing is so terrible that it is incredibly funny.

Thanks for giving me a good laugh. I am glad to be back to the blog!

eViL pOp TaRt said...

I must demur on this. I found this particular Cosmo article informative, if immodestly graphic. And, as an accredited geekette, I know tha,t if you must take a hands-on approach, there is much value in reading the manual besfore you bestow minor benefits on a friend.

Nej said...

I saw that cover as well. In fact, I had to do a double take to make sure it said what I thought it said. They are taking stating the obvious to a whole new level! :-)

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