Monday, December 20, 2010

In Which It Might Backfire

A couple of years ago around Christmas time, I came up with this brilliant way to avoid the crowds while doing your shopping during the last few days before the holiday itself. Sure, you can do your shopping online, but there will be something you inevitably forgot about and by then there isn't enough time for shipping, so you've got no choice but to head out to the stores and compete with the masses. With only five days left until the Big Day this Saturday, I figured I'd share my idea with you all to help reduce the suffering if you find yourself in this position.

Now, this only works if you are in a store like Walmart or Target, or a similar store that carries just about everything. I've broken it down into just a few simple steps:
  1. When you first go into the store, head straight for the Camping or Outdoor section.
  2. Upon arrival, pick up a hatchet (or ax, if there happens to be some on display). 
  3. If the head is wrapped in a protective sleeve, remove it carefully. 
  4. Sling the hatchet over your shoulder, blade side up, being mindful of your neck/ears.
  5. With a blank but wide-eyed expression on your face that suggests some kind of mental deficit or underlying rage, begin your shopping.
The idea is simple: Terrify people, or at least make them nervous enough, so they all move out of your way.

Both of the times I've done this, it has worked like a charm. I don't know if it's result of too many horror movies, but when people see a guy walking slowly around the store with a weird expression on his face and either a hatchet or an ax slung over his shoulder, they move out of the way like their ass is on fire and their hair is catching. Same goes with the checkout lines. If you and some other dude are approaching the only cashier with no one waiting to check out and you've got an ax on your shoulder? The other guy will usher you forward with no contest.

I didn't even realize what was happening the first time I did this until I was just about ready to check out. I was in the store to buy a hatchet and some other small things, and didn't even think about how I was carrying the hatchet until I noticed all the weird and concerned looks I was getting. And let me tell you: It's worth people thinking you're a potential ax murderer if it means you can cut through the crowds and checkout lines when it's 8:30pm on December 23rd.

Even though I didn't need a second hatchet, I did this again the year after for two reasons. One was that I needed to get in and out of the store quickly, and two was that I wanted to see if it'd work a second time. I managed to get in and out of the store in twenty minutes, which is no easy feat even during non-holiday times.

Before you say it, yes, I realize this plan has a lot of potential to backfire, but the idea is that you'll be through the checkout line and into your car before someone pulls out their cell phone and calls the cops. If you try it,  though, you're on your own. Don't go overboard with the facial expression, and don't blame me if you get caught.

Happy Monday, folks.


Lyla said...

I like the way ur mind works.. :D ...
a friend of mine uses the pregnant woman routine during the holidays by stuffing her clothes so much that it luks like she is about to pop any moment and her slow moaning also helps in getting her to the front of the line and she also gets an escort who carries her stuff for her to the car...she has done it three times already n it works like a charm every time.. :P

Jade Carver said...

Your idea, as well as Lyla's... SO AWESOME.

Marty said...

Overwhelming urge to go buy a hatchet today....

The Mad Dame said...

Well I've been meaning to buy a hatchet or machete for my zombie survival kit. I might need to test this out.

bama Cheryl said...

And don't let anyone call you Molly. Get it? Molly Hatchet? OK, even I groaned.

kristina said...

So YOU'RE that guy! I was going to send a full shopping cart flying your way to take you out, but my partner thought it might backfire on me - I'd miss and you'd come after me with the hatchet.

Wait, we don't even live in the same country. Must have been some other axe-murderer... either that or someone who's already stolen your idea!

Chris David Richards said...

I was in a big department store the other day and heard this over the tannoy: 'come to the kitchen department now to pick up your free knife'. Maybe they run a similar scheme.

Corey said...

now all i want to do is shop. till. i. drop.

Shorty said...

Good advice. I was dreading the day I realize I forgot something... but now I'm prepared.

Scuba Nurse said...

and if you have to take public transport home sneeze without covering your mouth and make moaning sniffly noises. you get plenty of room and a seat to yourself.

Noel said...

Another tactics is to wear the SARS mouth mask and keep coughing under it.
Or failing that, grind your teeth as you walk, get that veiny neck bulge look going.
I had a customer clerk turn to me and go, "How can I hel-oh...." and she turned away when she saw that I had a look at combined constipation and murderous rage.

Kev D. said...

I think it works even better if you wear overalls and a huge God damn pair of billy boots.

Badass Geek said...

Lyla: Nice!

Jade Carver: Thank you!

Marty: DO IT.

The Mad Dame: Let me know how it works.

Bama Cheryl: Me, too.

Kristina: Ax murderers are everywhere.

Chris David Richards: Maybe.

Corey: You sound overly enthused.

Shorty: Indeed.

Scuba Nurse: A brilliant idea!

Noel: The constipation face is a good one.

Kev D: It probably would, yes.

Employee No. 3699 said...

That's a great idea...however I prefer to just send my husband with a list. Gets him out of my hair for hours.

Nej said...


I call my hubby "he who walks with fists." It's the same idea, but with clenched fists and no ax.

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