Monday, November 21, 2011

In Which I Have an Audience

Editor's Note: Not a fan of fart jokes? Skip this post.

When I'm at home, I'm not shy about the noises my body makes. I'm of the mindset that there is more room on the outside, so why keep the various gasses trapped inside? I don't run to the bathroom to pass gas (unless its been a odorous day), but I'm not a pig about it. If we've got company over or if The Boss and I are having a nice meal, I mind my manners. The same rule applies when I'm at work.

If I'm in the men's room at work and I've got to break wind, I only do it if I'm the only one in there. I don't want to be known as the guy who fogged up the bathroom, especially if the owner of the shoes behind stall number two belongs to one of the managers in the building. If I come into the bathroom with a fart locked and loaded and there are other guys in there, I keep it to myself. 

Sometimes, though, nature has its own way.

I entered the men's room this past Saturday to squeeze the lemon. I was standing there at the urinal, taking care of business, when I felt a fart creep up on me. It was a strong one, and I found myself faced with two choices. I could tighten up, thus stopping the flow mid-stream, or I could open the gates and release the kracken. I hadn't checked when I came in to see if the bathroom was vacant or not, and from my vantage point there was no way I could tell. Stopping mid-stream didn't seem like a safe choice, and the bathroom was quiet, so I let things go and hoped for the best.

As it would turn out, this was no ordinary fart. It was a ten-second, multiple personality fart. It was like a well-rounded college student, fluent in many different languages. Squeaky, bullhorn, crackly, edgy. I was completely subject to the wills of this beast, and when it was over, I felt short of breath enough to wonder if there had been some sort of vacuum effect at play.

There was a heavy silence in the bathroom for a few seconds. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking I was in the clear. I was foolish to think so. From the handicap stall down at the far end of the bathroom came a slow clap. 

"Dude," said the occupant of the stall, thunderstruck. "That was epic!" His clapping intensified, echoing off the tiled walls of the bathroom. 

I gave no response. I just zipped up, washed up, and got out of there as fast as I could.

Oh, well. If I'm going to be known as a workplace bathroom farter, I might as well be at the top of my game.

Happy Monday, folks.


Paolo La'O said...


That was epic, haven't heard one in years....

Ed said...

I'm like you and unfortunately, I know the feeling exactly. Only mine happened in a stall and the toilet paper roll in the neighboring, what I had thought was vacant stall, started squeaking immediately after I released the 'kracken'. I sat in that stall until my legs were numb to give the person ample time to leave the vicinity and not wait around just to see who the noisemaker had been.

AmbyLand said...

HAHAHAHAHA I love the slow clap.

Shannon Green said...

Fun stuff like that never happens in the ladies room. We all just politely pretend not to hear each other. It's sad, really.

Charcoal Renderings said...

I really wish you had followed that up with, "Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week!"

Cary said...

And this is why your name is Badass. :D said...

Just wait. Farts and fart jokes are especially hilarious when you have toddlers. In about a year, Baby Badass will think your farts are hilarious.

Badass Geek said...

Paolo La'O: Glad I could help!

Ed: That is awesome. And awful.

AmbyLand: I had a good laugh about it later.

Shannon Green: I figured as much.

Charcoal Renderings: In the heat of the moment, I was so embarrassed to think of a witty way out of it.

Cary: I suppose. =)

MakingMonkeySoup: I sure hope so!

kristina said...

Dude, I have tears pouring down my face (and not from the noxious gas!)... I laughed almost as hard at Charcoal Renderings comment...

Yes, the little guys/girls think farting is pretty hilarious, so you'll be able to provide your daughter with hours of entertainment.

But remember, you don't want to teach her any bad words, so you will need to refer to this bodily function as "fluffing" or possibly even "tooting" until she is much older (my brother and I were not allowed to say "fart" until well into our 20's)...

ray said...

oh my gosh. lol!

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