Monday, November 28, 2011

In Which I Wish These Exist

I don't watch a lot of television, but it seems that lately every other commercial is about some new prescription medication. They tell you all about how much better you can feel, or how much longer you can live by taking this new drug, and at first it sounds good. Promising, even... but then they get to the side effects.

For the latest sleep aid, they promise you that you'll fall asleep fast and stay asleep. Just be aware of the fact that you might start doing shit in your sleep, like cooking a five-course meal, driving your car across town, or registering for a break dance competition. They also advise that you might experience intense urges, specifically of the gambling and sexual nature. Maybe it's just me, but if I have to worry about all of that, I'll just pop a few Benadryl with a shot or two of whiskey instead. Bam. Problem solved. 

For the drug that can help lower your cholesterol, they promise results in just weeks... so long as you prepare yourself for the inevitable side effects of burping uncontrollably and excessive gas, blurred or double vision, sweating, and fatigue. Considering that I get all of those symptoms from eating a bowl of chili, I'll save myself the co-pay and just cut out all the fatty foods in my diet and start exercising more than once a month.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking prescription drugs. I myself take prescription medication daily to help control my allergies and regulate my immune system. It's just that there are so many commercials and advertisements out there these days where it feels like one can't be expected to live a healthy and fulfilling life without at least one prescription drug to help them get there. 

Here's another thing. Who the hell comes up with the names for these drugs? Sure, it's likely more pronounceable than the name of the medication itself, but some of the names are just ridiculous. Onglyza? Viagra? Boniva? Restasis? Lipitor? Flomax? Abilify? Some of the names out there sound like they'd be better off as names of planets. I bet that every pharmaceutical company has a group of people who just sit around and come up with fucked up names for their newest drug. 

And that got me thinking. Here are some made-up medication names that I came up with.

For your seasonal allergies, try Gahbleshusone!

For male impotency, try Potentizine!

For those pesky sexually transmitted diseases, try Prophylaxole!

For mild to moderate depression, try Nopressionale!

For the Münchhausen, try Placebocide!

As always, talk with your doctor to see if any of these drugs are right for you.

(Originally posted here.)

Happy Monday, folks.


Paolo La'O said...


Eva Gallant said...

LOL! I think my favorite is placebocide!

Life Unordinary said...

what no SLIMMING/DIETING pills in your repertoire?

Chuck said...

Those were great! The one real one that get me rolling every time I hear it is one I cannot remember how to spell but phonetically it is pronounced: Ass-Effects. And they tell you to ask your doctor if ass-effects is right for you. Is this a joke for the doctors or what!! Is it a gay med? WTF. said...

Oh my. I totally just snorted.

Badass Geek said...

Paolo La'O: *takes a bow*

Eva Gallant: I'm partial to that one, myself.

Life Unordinary: I posted about the Ke$ha diet for that one.

Chuck: Agreed!

MakingMonkeySoup: My job here is done.

kristina said...

You forgot about "Fuckitol"... For those who want to throw their hands up in the air and forget about their job / life...

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